The Impact of Grohl’s Affair: A Bay Area Sex Therapist’s View
By: Dr. Denise Renye
Last week I wrote about how Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl had an affair and the courage and integrity it took to publicly own up to his actions. That’s only part of the story. There’s also the impact on his relationships, which I’m making an educated guess about as a Bay Area sex therapist.
I work with couples on how to think about and design how open or closed they want their relationship to be. I use the metaphor of a house – houses have several doors and windows. Ideally, they decide upfront how open and closed the windows and doors are for each person to feel safe in the relationship.
A traditional monogamous relationship would keep all the metaphorical windows and doors closed. I don’t know for sure, but it sounds like from Grohl’s Instagram post that he had a monogamous relationship with his wife, Jordyn Blum. In that case, the affair has a deep emotional toll, which occurs when trust is broken in a relationship. For Blum, the revelation of her husband's infidelity is likely a profound betrayal, shattering the foundation of trust and safety in their long-standing marriage.
It's one thing if the couple is “monogamish,” a term coined by relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage, who shared that he and his long-term partner are committed to each other but can have sex with others. It’s quite another if they aren’t. In this case, the emotional devastation, public scrutiny, and burden of deciding whether to forgive Grohl or leave while managing the impact on their children falls heavily on Blum. It reinforces the societal expectation that women must bear the consequences of men’s choices, often being pushed into roles of caretakers and forgivers.
Yes, Grohl has apologized. Yes, he’s taking accountability for his actions, but that doesn’t mean trust is automatically regained. Trust takes time, it requires following through on your word, and as a musician, Grohl travels a lot so he’s not even home much of the time. How can Grohl earn Blum’s trust again and how can he help Blum feel secure in their agreed-upon container and trust that he won’t cheat again if she decides to forgive him? These are all issues that I help couples work through in my role as a Bay Area sex therapist. It can be helpful to have a neutral third party in the room to create space to voice these concerns as well as offer solutions.
Blum is not the only woman affected by Grohl’s affair – there’s also the woman he cheated with, who is now the mother of his new child. The situation for her is equally complex. She might experience feelings of isolation and guilt knowing that her relationship with Grohl exists outside the boundaries of the marriage. She may or may not yearn for something different with Grohl. She is also likely navigating the stigma placed on women in these situations. Not to mention the child, who will likely have to contend with their own feelings about being born out of wedlock or feeling like an “illegitimate” child.
This dynamic reflects the patriarchal system that often prioritizes men's desires and choices over the emotional well-being of women. Under patriarchy, infidelity is framed as a man's lapse in judgment, and women are seen as “victims” or “homewreckers,” rather than fully formed humans with agency. Patriarchy perpetuates the belief that men can seek fulfillment outside their commitments while women are left to deal with the fallout.
What do the women want? What works for them? Sometimes relationships are portrayed as one-sided with one person calling the shots but in actuality, they are a dynamic dance where two people are engaging as partners. It may not always seem that way but the couple is co-creating something together, whether it’s healthy or not.
If you're looking for support in creating a healthy relationship, which can be with yourself too, I am available to work with individuals or couples to help guide you through these dynamics.