The 8 Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships
By: Dr. Denise Renye
October is here, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Having previously worked at the nonprofit Women Against Abuse (WAR) in Philadelphia, I have seen firsthand that all genders can (and do) experience domestic violence but for now, I want to focus on why self-identified women stay in abusive relationships. A more recent term is intimate partner violence in order to be more inclusive of relationships that are not solely those of cohabitation. In my experience as a Marin County psychologist and sex therapist, the reasons are complex and interrelated. Understanding these reasons is crucial for providing the appropriate support and resources to those affected.
First, understand there are many kinds of abuse. Most often people think of physical abuse when they hear “abuse,” but there’s also psychological abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and even spiritual abuse. At its core, abuse is about power and control. The abuser wants to have power over another person and to control them however they can, be it psychologically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, or a combination of all of the above. But why would anyone want to stay in that sort of relationship? Well, it’s complicated.
1.) The power of the unconscious plays a significant role in keeping people in abusive relationships, as deep-seated fears, unresolved trauma, and ingrained patterns of attachment can drive behavior without conscious awareness. This can create an internal conflict where the person feels trapped, even when they consciously recognize the harm.
2.) Fear is a significant factor. Abusive partners often instill intense fear through threats of further violence, harm to children or pets, or threats of self-harm or suicide if the abused person attempts to leave. This fear can paralyze women, making them feel that staying is safer than trying to escape.
3.) Financial dependence is another critical reason why women stay in abusive relationships. Many abusive relationships involve economic control where the abuser manages all financial resources (i.e., all the bank accounts or credit cards are in their name) so the victim has little or no access to money. This lack of financial independence makes it incredibly difficult for women to envision a viable escape plan, especially if they have children to support.
4.) Concern for children is a big influence in abusive relationships. Many women stay in abusive relationships to provide a stable home for their children or out of fear that leaving might result in losing custody or exposing the children to even greater harm. When it’s not only yourself you’re thinking of, it can be difficult to know what the best course of action is.
5.) Emotional and psychological manipulation are powerful and can affect why a woman stays in an abusive relationship. Abusers often use tactics such as gaslighting to undermine their victim’s sense of reality and self-worth. If someone repeatedly tells you that you’re wrong and can’t trust yourself, over time, this will erode your confidence. In abusive relationships, this emotional and psychological manipulation will have a woman believe the abuse is her fault or that she deserves it. Just to be clear, that’s not true. Abuse is NEVER the victim’s fault. Also, the cycle of abuse typically includes periods of reconciliation and affection where the abuser is loving, charming, and sweet, which can confuse the victim and foster hope that the abuser will change.
6.) Hope is a powerful reason women stay in abusive relationships. Many women believe their partner will change, especially during the "honeymoon" phase of the abuse cycle when the abuser may apologize and promise to reform. This hope can keep women in the relationship, waiting for the promised change that never comes.
7.) Social and cultural pressures can complicate an abusive situation. Some women may stay in abusive relationships because of societal expectations to maintain a family unit or due to stigma surrounding divorce and single parenthood. Cultural or religious beliefs may also pressure women to remain in marriages regardless of the abuse they face.
8.) Lack of support is another barrier that keeps women locked in abusive relationships. They may feel or be isolated from friends and family either because the abuser has systematically cut off their support networks or because they fear judgment and blame from loved ones. Additionally, a lack of accessible resources, such as shelters or legal assistance, can make it seem impossible to leave.
As a Marin County psychologist and sex therapist, I mention these reasons because I want intimate partner violence survivors to be treated with care and not judgment. It can be hard for women to share about being in abusive relationships because they’re worried they’ll be looked down upon and that makes it even more difficult for them to confide in people.
During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, it’s important for everyone – not only domestic violence survivors – to understand it’s not so easy for a person to extricate themselves from an abusive situation. The reasons women stay in abusive relationships are multifaceted, involving fear, financial dependence, concern for children, emotional manipulation, hope for change, social pressures, and lack of support. Understanding these reasons is essential for developing effective interventions and support systems to help women safely exit abusive situations.
For more immediate assistance, there are 24-hour hotlines where someone is always available to talk, for instance, the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or 800-787-3224 (TTY). There’s also Stop Abuse For Everyone (SAFE), which focuses on the needs of straight men, LGBTQIA+ people, teens, and elderly folx who are facing domestic violence.
For those who are more into text, there’s Crisis Text Line, which is a free, confidential resource available 24/7: Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the U.S. and a trained counselor will text with the person about whatever they are going through and if needed, refer the person for further assistance.
While I don’t work directly with intimate partner violence, I do work with folx who have left the household or relationship. I help people explore the patterns that lead them to the relationship so they can make different choices going forward. Reach out if you’d like to connect about working together. Working in the modality of EMDR following the exit of a traumatic relationship can be key to healing.