Could Active Listening Be a form of Activism?
By: Dr. Denise Renye
One of the most profound acts you can do right now is listen. Listening is an act that is profound for both the listener and the one being listened to. Whether they’re dealing with intense emotions around racism or the global pandemic (or both!), active listening can offer much-needed support.
I used to run an industrial-organizational consulting business wherein I facilitated meetings and provided coaching for companies. One client was a nationwide construction company and one of the biggest hurdles I witnessed was how folks from different educational backgrounds had challenges connecting with each other. I facilitated meetings with engineers and superintendents so they could learn skills to listen to each other, which, over time, took the place of judging each other and expressing frustration in non-verbal ways. Those same skills can be applied to racism right now.
When passions run high, sometimes it’s easier for people to consider what they are getting from a conversation rather than what they are giving. Listening actively is a way to give and receive. To truly know another person is one of the greatest gifts available to us. Here is a specific help you could use to help improve your listening skills and empathy.
First off, some research for you: We only remember between 25% to 50% of what we hear, as described by Edgar Dale's Cone of Experience. That’s pretty dismal when you think about it – if a person is pouring their heart out to you and you only remember at best half of what they say, that doesn’t create much trust, safety, or connection, which are basic needs we all have. Not only active listening, but also empathetic listening can go a long way to creating better relationships with Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC), those in the LGBTQIA community, people from and of different socioeconomic classes, women, and everyone really.
What is active listening? It’s conscious effort to not only hear the words another person is saying, but, more importantly, to try to understand the complete message being sent. It is to hear the message and the feeling beyond, through the content of what’s being said. Active listening requires your attention without distractions. Not only the distraction of a phone or other device, but internal distractions such as developing counterpoints, contemplating how to “solve” the person’s “problem,” and in general thinking more about what you’ll say in response than listening to what the person is saying.
These days there’s a severe lack of presence and active listening is a balm for that deficiency. Active listening and empathy are acts of love that say to another person, without the use of words, “You matter. You’re important. I care about you.”
What’s the difference between active listening and empathy? Empathetic listening is paying attention to another person with emotional identification, compassion, feeling, and insight. A fundamental principle is to "seek to understand, before being understood.” A basic formula for empathy is saying, “It sounds like you feel 1.) _____, 2.) _____, 3.)_____. How can I support you right now?” Asking the open-ended question allows for the other to have a chance to voice more of their feelings, needs, and wants/desires.
The sheer act of asking is a form of empathic listening because it creates space. By inserting your own similar experience, it can shut down space for the other person as well as connection to them.
Active listening is a more cognitive technique, repeating back to the person what you think they said to make certain you understand. For instance, “What I’m hearing is_____,” or “What do you mean when you say ______?”
Both empathy and active listening have their place. Active listening is a model for respect and understanding. It’s about gaining information and perspective, which can be very helpful for White people right now as they learn more about racism. Empathy is a model for emotional connection and witnessing, which is so important at this moment. BIPOC have been disregarded for hundreds of years (and more). Now is the time to listen, with presence.
If we as a society are going to collaborate together to dismantle racism and racist policies, it’s important that we’re able to communicate effectively with one another. Psychologist Beverly Daniel Tatum, who wrote Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together In The Cafeteria? emphasizes talking about race and social justice is important for cross-race friendships.
“Because of the racial context in which we're all living, if we want to have cross-racial relationships, part of what makes them successful is our willingness and ability to learn how to talk about racism, even in the context of the friendship,” she said during an NPR segment.
However, the problem is the burden for talking and teaching about racism usually falls to the BIPOC in the friendship and more often than not, those conversations get put off and friendships suffer as a result, said NPR co-host Shereen Marisol Meraji in the same segment.
In that instance, listening with the “Third Ear,” also called therapeutic listening, could be helpful. Theodor Reik popularized the concept and he said the skill of listening to another is intertwined with the ability to listen to yourself. The mind has a natural ability to decipher deeper emotional meanings conveyed by a speaker, even when those meanings are unstated or unclear. It means the listener pays attention to their own internal responses by slowing down instead of quickly responding.
“Our dimly felt inner responses to the other person’s words provide the most penetrating understanding of what they mean,” said Dr. Kyle Arnold, who has written extensively on Reik.
Listening with the Third Ear can detect unstated needs in a relationship that may have to be addressed. For instance, if a BIPOC expresses sadness that a white friend hasn’t posted about Black Lives Matter on social media while talking to another white friend, it may be a request for the person they’re speaking with to be more vocal as well. This helps the responsibility to be shared within the conversation.
As we navigate these tough conversations with one another around race, power, privilege, and discrimination, it’s important that we come from a place of “not knowing,” to cite a concept from psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion. Toss preconceived notions out the window about who people are or how they are supposed to be. Instead, show up authentically and actively listen to what people are saying. Be empathetic to what they’re feeling and needing, and don’t be afraid to repair any ruptures you might notice as you listen with a “Third Ear.” It’s one of the best ways we can support each other right now.
Please find a free anti-racism guided meditation for white people here.
References
Arnold, Dr. Kyle. “Submissive Listening, Therapeutic Listening and the Third Ear.” Psychology Today. August 17, 2012. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meaningful-you/201208/submissive-listening-therapeutic-listening-and-the-third-ear
Dale, Edgar. Audio-Visual Methods in Teaching. Dryden Press: 1947.
Huitt, W. Empathetic listening. Educational Psychology Interactive. Valdosta, GA: Valdosta State University; 2009. Retrieved 6-16-2020 from http://www.edpsycinteractive.org/topics/process/listen.html
Larner, Glenn. “Towards a common ground in psychoanalysis and family therapy: on knowing not to know.” Journal of Family Therapy. 2000;22:61-82. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1111/1467-6427.00138?origin=publication_detail
Reik, Theodor. Listening with the Third Ear. Macmillan: 1983.
Sale, Anna; Meraji, Shereen Marisol. “Code Switch: Cross-Racial Relationships.” NPR: Morning Edition. January 27, 2020. https://www.npr.org/2020/01/27/799925293/code-switch-cross-racial-relationships