Are you Gaslighting Yourself?

By: Dr. Denise Renye

As psychological concepts become more mainstream, people start using terms without necessarily more deeply understanding what they mean or their history. We see this with labels such as “narcissist” and “codependent,” but also the behavior of gaslighting. So what exactly is gaslighting and where did it come from?

The term originated in the 1938 theatrical play “Gas Light.” The play spawned several films, including Gaslight with Ingrid Bergman in 1944 (for which she won a best actress award). The film continues to resonate today because it vividly depicts psychological manipulation. Ingrid Bergman’s character, Paula, starts to doubt her own truth and reality because her husband, Gregory (played by Charles Boyer), keeps boldly lying to her. For instance, a picture disappears from its place on a wall and Gregory says Paula herself took the picture and then returned it. However, she has no recollection of doing so, but entertains the idea that maybe she did, in fact, move the picture and return it. (She didn’t. Gregory returned the picture.)

She also notices literal gaslights dim and brighten for no apparent reason, which Gregory suggests is only her imagination. It’s interesting to note that despite numerous incidents that make Paula doubt her mental health, like a picture disappearing or a brooch vanishing, it’s the gaslights that viewers remember. This is why we call this type of psychological manipulation gaslighting. It’s a specific type of psychological manipulation wherein one person lies to another about something to indicate the other person is not mentally stable enough to “correctly” remember what “actually” happened.  

There’s symbolism with light. We talk about the “light of truth” or the “light of day” because we associate light with reality and clarity. It’s darkness and shadow where things can get distorted. We see this with shadow puppets – just think how fingers formed in a particular shape turn into bunny rabbits and hands become flying birds.

Light gives us an increase in trust because it allows us to see, literally. So when light is diminished, that’s when people really start to doubt themselves, as Paula did.

In the movie Gaslight, psychological manipulation was slow and steady. It happened over time in small ways. When Gregory first tells Paula (Ingrid Bergman) that she’s imagining things, she resists, as anyone does in that situation. But after repeatedly being told the gaslights aren’t flickering, Paula starts to think, “Maybe the gaslights really aren’t flickering.” She starts to buy into another version of reality.

What’s fascinating about gaslighting is it’s not relegated to other people. You can also gaslight yourself. This “internalized gaslighting” is common in adult children of alcoholics, or adult children raised in other kinds of dysfunctional homes. They frequently lived with gaslighting: “No, dad isn’t drunk, he’s just tired,” so it’s easier for these adult children to gaslight themselves. That could be in the form of an addiction they themselves have. They can be in denial about it: “I don’t really have a problem.”

It can also be something small like overriding the self and letting the ego run rampant. For instance, telling yourself, “I have room for one more cookie,” when you’re already full. It can also be something large like staying in an unhealthy relationship because you convince yourself it’s not really that bad. In other words, you can mess with your own light, your own truth sensor, and manipulate yourself.

Gaslighting can be unconscious. It can be so effortless you don’t even know it’s happening. It could be your normal way of operating and last for years unchecked because it thrives in the shadows. That also means by looking at the shadow, by doing shadow work, it’s possible to reconnect with reality and that internal light can shine forth like a beacon.  

Because gaslighting involves doubting reality, it can be helpful to do this sort of shadow work with someone else so they can confirm, “Yes, that’s real.” We saw this in the movie Gaslight when an inspector from Scotland Yard confirms for Paula that the gaslights are indeed flickering.

Is there something you need confirming? Or something you’re denying about yourself and your life? Now would be a great time to bring it out of the shadows and into the light.

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