The Importance of Belonging

By: Dr. Denise Renye

Human beings care a lot about belonging. It’s why we form groups, play sports, and feel so connected to our identities: Republican, Democrat, queer, straight, etc. Belonging is prominent in psychology and way back in 1943, Abraham Maslow unveiled his “Hierarchy of Needs.” He stated people are motivated to achieve certain needs and some take precedence over others.

For instance, physiological needs like food, air, and water, will often take priority over something like self-actualization. It’s hard to actualize yourself if you don’t have enough food to eat. However, Maslow’s model isn’t rigid, and for some, certain needs may be more important than others. Regardless, one of the most basic, important needs he mentioned was “belongingness,” or the emotional need for interpersonal relationships, affiliating, connectedness, and being part of a group. Some have since argued that belongingness, or the social aspect of life, is even more important that Maslow’s basic needs of food and shelter because babies cannot get food and shelter without first being socially connected.

That said, belonging is more than just being acquainted with other people – it’s about gaining acceptance, attention, and support from others and giving it in return. Belonging contributes to self-worth, self-esteem, and a sense of who you are, even. And it starts young – not at school in terms of who you sit with at lunch, but before that, with your family. Yes, they may provide shelter and food but that’s simply not enough to engender a feeling of belonging.

Oftentimes when folx grow up in a family that is not supportive, functional, or healthy, they can feel different, or even like an outsider. In families such as these, the child has an intuitive knowing that something is off, that maybe there’s something wrong with dad sleeping all day or mom yelling all the time. When this feeling arises, the child gets a sense they don’t belong in the family because they don’t.

They don’t belong because the child knows on some level a healthier way of being exists, that there’s another way to show up in the world and live, even if they’re not quite sure what that  looks like. For a child who perpetually feels like an outsider in their own home, or an adult who feels untethered to anyone, this can lead to anxiety, depression, isolation, and even addiction. It’s for this reason that successful addiction recovery programs and plans have a group or community aspect for healing. It's also why some 12-step groups are even more focused because also in that setting, some may still feel they don’t belong because they use psychedelics, for instance.

At some point along a person’s journey, they may find themselves in a warped situation where they belong, such as an abusive relationship with a romantic partner, in a gang, a frat, or a work group where their values don’t align. They may even have some sort of friendship with their drug dealer. The thing is that the need and craving for a sense of belonging runs so deep, people will sometimes go to any length to find it.

Belonging somewhere, being with people who love and support you, contributes to a sense of well-being and security. It allows a person to be more fully themselves, more integrative of their entire self. When a person feels they belong, it engenders a sense of warmth and peace. Belonging is not only something external, to a group, it’s also internal, to yourself. What that means is feeling seen and accepted by yourself. In other words, seeing and accepting that a part of you feels shy, or dislikes the beach, without judging that as “bad” or “wrong.”

Belonging is also the crux of cultivating a spiritual practice because spirituality is inherently about connection and opening up to something greater than yourself. There’s a surrender process, a letting go. Spirituality makes space for you to say, “I belong here, in this world. I have a purpose for being alive.” Some may also feel loved, accepted, and seen by a spiritual entity and/or a higher power. Belonging helps people feel happier and more harmonious. And if you don’t feel like you belong anywhere, I hear you, but just know, there’s a place for you too, even if you haven’t found it yet.

Stay connected by subscribing to my newsletter.   

Reference

McLeod, Dr. Saul. “Maslow's hierarchy of needs.” Simply Psychology. December 29, 2020. www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html