‘Dad-ing’ Not Babysitting

By: Dr. Denise Renye

The United States is weird when it comes to parenting. It’s the only industrialized nation not to offer parental leave and when someone like Pete Buttigieg takes parental leave, he’s called “sickeningly pathetic.” It’s perhaps for this reason (and many more) that it’s commonplace for people to refer to dads “babysitting” their own children instead of “watching their own children,” or simply “parenting” or “being a parent,” if the mom isn’t around.

We never say a mom is babysitting her own children because that implies something temporary, a replacement for the original, or natural, caretaker. But we do so for dads, which implies he’s not a full-time caretaker, that instead, he’s only filling in for the mom. Men regularly receive immense amounts of praise for basic acts of parenting – changing a diaper, bringing their kid to the park, etc. People ooh and ahh when they see a dad doing these things but don’t bat an eyelash when they see a mom doing the same thing.

This type of thinking and behavior toward dads doing regular dad things is a disservice to the father himself. It belittles dads as though they are children when we talk to or about a father with words such as, “Wow, he’s so good with the kids” and “It’s just so great he spends time with them.”  This is especially the case when women sexualize dads when they are doing their typical father role duties by saying things like, “Ooh, that’s sexy that he spends time with the kids.” I have heard many of these sentiments and it is time to normalize men fulfilling their role as fathers.

Being a father is almost like a hobby, a thing to do on the side, instead of a full-time position. Men don’t deserve kudos for literally just doing the basics involved in being an adult. Doing so sets a low bar for fathers. Their expectations are minimal when compared with mothers. We speak of “super moms” but are thrilled when dads just show up.

We do this because in some ways gender norms are baked into our society. There’s the outdated 1950s model of a dad who works in the office all day and then comes home to his slippers laid out for him, the newspaper, a highball, and dinner made by his wife. He pats the kids on the head and barely sees them while the mom is expected to cook, clean, and parent. From that perspective, of course a dad would be considered a babysitter if he watched his kids. However, these days, both parents frequently work; there is rarely a dedicated homemaker so why are dads still seen as doing something special when they’re just parenting?

Again, I think it goes back to parental leave. In Sweden and Iceland, 90 days of paternity leave are granted only to men as a way of pushing dads to take their leave. In other countries, dads are encouraged to be parents because there are systems in place to support them. It’s not uncommon to see men pushing a stroller or strapping a baby to their chest because other countries and cultures recognize the importance of both parents bonding with and taking care of their children. Child-rearing isn’t seen as a “mom’s job.” Dads aren’t “babysitting.” They are parenting. 

Again, let’s treat men like adults instead of infantilizing them by giving them props just for doing regular activities dads do.

Journal Prompts

·      When you imagine dads doing dad duties, what sort of thoughts, images, or body sensations arise for you?

·      How do you remember your own dad fulfilling his role (or not) as your dad?  What feelings arise when you reflect on this?

·      What are your thoughts on dads being considered babysitters when they are playing with or watching their children?

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Reference

OECD Family Database. Parental Leave Systems. https://www.oecd.org/els/soc/PF2_1_Parental_leave_systems.pdf. Accessed February 22, 2023.