A Bright Spot During COVID-19: Emotional Intimacy
By: Dr. Denise Renye
There are numerous downsides to this pandemic (NUMEROUS), but one potential bright spot I’m seeing is a renewed focus on emotional intimacy. Because it’s harder, and more dangerous (according to actual science), to get together in person, people are talking to one another more. They’re sharing their feelings, being vulnerable with one another. That’s my anecdotal experience but it’s also reflected quantitatively in the dating world.
The Economist reported in April that the average number of messages sent daily across OkCupid, PlentyOfFish, Tinder, Hinge, and Match.com, was up by 27% compared with the last week of February. And, the average length of a conversation on Tinder soared by 25%. That’s the case on other dating apps as well, such as Coffee Meets Bagel, according to an NBC News article from August 26. “We're seeing an all-time chat rate,” said Dawoon Kang, the app’s co-founder. “In mid-March, after the lockdowns, 90% plus of our daters told us they had completely stopped going on dates in person.”
Other changes following the pandemic? A study by the Kinsey Institute at the University of Indiana found dating app users said people were friendlier than usual, more willing to have video chats, and more willing to have deep conversations, according to the same Economist article. Due to this pandemic, people are more open and willing to be flexible in terms of how they connect with others.
Communications consultant Carlos Zavala in Washington, D.C., who has been using Tinder and Bumble since April, said in the NBC News article, “I’ve seen that our conversations do get more personal faster than usual. In the beginning, I considered not dating, but then I realized this actually is making a lot of people be more real with what they want and cuts through all the b.s.”
Sure, online dating provides a mechanism for casual hookups, but it also provides a platform for companionship and potentially even love. And that’s something most human beings want. Dr. Lisa Wade touches on this in her book American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus and said, “It was one of the saddest realizations for me when I was writing the book just how powerfully hookup culture has convinced students that they should be embarrassed for having feelings and feel weak for wanting connection.” That cuts across the gender continuum, by the way, and in fact, Wade found men are more likely than women, by a few percentage points, to say they wish they could be in a relationship.
I also want to be clear there’s no right or wrong when it comes to dating, or anything about your personal choices regarding your body, romance, connection, and love. That is, if there’s consent. I’ll get into this topic more deeply in a later blog, but for now, I want to emphasize the importance of communication and how this pandemic is allowing for that to occur, which inherently creates emotional intimacy.
For those craving more intimacy, Shane Tan writes:
“We all desire intimacy, but there can’t be any kind of intimacy without vulnerability. To be fully engaged in an intimate relationship requires being vulnerable. To give and receive love fully, we need to be vulnerable to be open to it. To wear our heart on our sleeve – to tell someone how we feel about them – and to expose our raw, imperfect, flawed, messy selves, is scary. Perhaps then, the most radical change we can make in our culture today is not a sexual liberation, but an emotional one.”
This pandemic is giving us the opportunity to have that emotional revolution because there’s a shared vulnerability. Everyone is impacted by COVID-19 so it’s an easy question to ask someone, “How are you doing?” and encourage an authentic response. That communication and vulnerability translates into a higher level of intimacy, as seen in studies on long-distance couples: They rate their intimacy levels as higher than those who see each other on a daily basis.
Many people are being forced into long-distance relationships even if they live near one another, but the lack of physical closeness means using creativity to be intimate, according to relationship coach Jennifer Craig. Long-distance couples are more likely to discuss sexual fantasies, to role play, to sext, and just generally get to know one another’s most intimate thoughts, she said. They have to be more creative with how they spend time together because they’re physically separated. And communication is needed in order for that to be successful.
That communication builds intimacy because you learn what the other person is like, what takes place in their internal world, and that eventually could translate into better physical intimacy. Sharing your internal world, allowing another to see your internal landscape is next level. It’s potentially more intimate than agreeing to be physically naked and exploring bodies together.
“[P]hysical intimacy is nothing without a strong foundation of emotional intimacy,” Craig said. “It is fueled by the knowledge that each partner cares, truly, and knows the other on a deep level.”
This pandemic is creating space for that to occur, to show other human beings that we care about them in a real way. Casual hookups carry a new threat – the possibility of contracting COVID-19 – so many people are slowing dating down and allowing space for them to get to know themselves more deeply, which isn’t encouraged in this society.
Journalist Lisa Bonos writes about this in the Washington Post. She said: “Singles are spending several weeks to months getting to know someone over the phone, video chat or socially distant dates before the masks come off. Taking that step often involves detailed discussions about whom you’re seeing regularly – be it family, friends, roommates, or other dates – to help determine the right time to share a hug or first kiss. And there are no clear rules on when it’s safe to progress. Everyone is making it up as they go along.”
People are getting to know each other before they become physically intimate. And once they do, the contact will be that much deeper, and arguably better.
For ideas and ways to stay connected to and learn more about the unconscious through the body, feel free to stay connected.
References
Bonos, Lisa. “How to Embrace the Slower Pace of a Pandemic Relationship.” The Washington Post. August 25, 2020. https://www.washingtonpost.com/magazine/2020/08/25/dating-during-covid/?arc404=true.
Craig, Jennifer. “7 Lessons About Intimacy From Long Distance Couples.” RelationshipHero.com. August 2018. https://relationshiphero.com/blog/7-lessons-about-intimacy-from-long-distance-couples.
“Fever when you hold me tight: Casual sex is out, companionship is in.” The Economist. May 9, 2020. https://www.economist.com/international/2020/05/09/casual-sex-is-out-companionship-is-in.
Italie, Leanne. “Dating Corona-Style Leads to Love Connections, Even Marriage.” NBC News. August 26, 2020. https://www.nbcboston.com/news/coronavirus/dating-corona-style-leads-to-love-connections-even-marriage/2184160/.
Tan, Shane. “Has Emotional Intimacy Replaced Casual Sex as the New Taboo?” The Phoenix. May 9, 2017. http://www.sarahlawrencephoenix.com/editorial/2017/5/9/has-emotional-intimacy-replaced-casual-sex-as-the-new-taboo