COVID-19: A Time for Self-Love Through “Hermiting”
By: Dr. Denise Renye
This year is creating a whole new normal. We talk about “When will we go back to the way things were?” Well, much like America never was as great as some like to think (as in, MAGA), perhaps it’s time to reevaluate what our lives were like pre-pandemic and what we’d like them to be going forward. It could be high time for a fresh start!
What I’m noticing is how many people feel uncomfortable spending time alone, or they don’t know how to carve out time for themselves. I’m seeing both in my practice – I have patients with kids who crave time alone and can’t seem to find a minute for themselves sans kids. And then I have patients without children or a romantic partner(s) that have too much time on their hands but aren’t nourished by the solitude. What’s going on here?
Spending time alone is challenging for many people because it’s not a skill we are taught and there’s pressure in society to not be alone. Restaurants have tables for two, wedding invitations ask if you’re bringing a plus one, and for single folx, a recurring question is, “Are you dating anyone?” In some countries, like China, women who are not married in their late 20s and 30s are called the derogatory term sheng nu, or “leftover women.” Even if a woman is educated, has numerous friends, and is accomplished in her career, she’s viewed as somehow less than if she is unmarried.
The pressure isn’t quite to that level in the U.S., but still, alone time isn’t prized. In this country we try to cram as much into every day as possible. During time alone people often choose to passively connect through social media, by watching Netflix, or playing video games. There is nothing wrong with any of those activities but I think it’s important to ask yourself if you’re nourished by them. If not, now is the time to get to know yourself, to journey into self-love through “hermiting” because this pandemic is most likely demanding it.
We regularly hear how loneliness kills, but consciously choosing to spend time with yourself is something different and can actually benefit your social relationships, help you regulate your emotions, and improve your creativity. But it has to be a certain kind of solitude. Matthew Bowker, a psychoanalytic political theorist at Medaille College who has researched solitude, said the helpful kind of solitude requires internal exploration and it might be uncomfortable, or even excruciating at first.
“It might take a little bit of work before it turns into a pleasant experience,” he said in an Atlantic article. “But once it does it becomes maybe the most important relationship anybody ever has, the relationship you have with yourself.”
I completely agree with Bowker and find internal exploration is crucial when it comes to healing. One of my favorite philosophers, psychologists, and Jungian analysts Dr. Marion Woodman said:
“Healing depends on listening with the inner ear – stopping the incessant blather, and listening. Fear keeps us chattering – fear that wells up from the past, fear of blurting out what we really fear, fear of future repercussions. It is our very fear of the future that distorts the now that could lead to a different future if we dared to be whole in the present.”
Being whole in the present. Isn’t that what we’re all searching for? Filling our time can become a black hole (in other words, never-ending), but what if we stopped and were present with ourselves? I understand it can feel scary to spend time alone, and some of you reading this may be saying, “I can’t spend time alone because I have too many responsibilities.” I hear you, and I would argue it’s even more crucial for you to find at least 5 minutes in your day to take care of yourself. How are you supposed to take care of others if you’re running yourself ragged? If you repeatedly fantasize about going to a deserted island by yourself, that’s a good sign you could use alone time.
Regardless, the following suggestions are for anyone looking to nourish themselves with their alone time. I invite you to read my blog on self-care for a full list, but here are my top three that even busy parents can do:
1.) Belly breathing. Allow the belly to expand with ease and then deflate on the exhale. Even doing this for 1 minute a day will make a difference.
2.) Be in nature, if you can. Spending time outdoors is nourishing. If you can’t be in nature, use a houseplant, a picture of nature (hardcopy or finding an image online), or even a vivid imagination where you simply notice the color(s) and imagine the fragrance(s) while you bring awareness to your body and mind. Slow the breath down allowing for full inhalations and full exhalations.
3.) Journaling, especially free-writing. An exercise to try is setting a timer for 2 minutes, keeping pen to paper (no matter what!), and just writing whatever comes up. Having a prompt such as, “What am I feeling right now?” or “What am I grateful for today?” can be helpful to begin the process. Note: I’m great with journal prompts – just ask me! With this exercise, you can be as repetitive as you want without worry. Having a journal allows for you to create a personal space that is just yours so that you can first process what you are experiencing inside and then you can connect with friends and family if you so choose.
If you try any of these exercises, let me know how it goes on my Facebook page. I’d love to hear from you.
References
Crane, Brent. “The Virtues of Isolation.” The Atlantic. March 30, 2017. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/03/the-virtues-of-isolation/521100/
Lewis, Helen. “What It’s Like to Be a Leftover Woman.” The Atlantic. March 12, 2020. https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2020/03/leftover-women-china-israel-children-marriage/607768/