Why Saying Goodbye to Abuse Can Feel Mixed

By Dr. Denise Renye

With the swearing in of Joseph Biden as the new president of the United States, we are saying goodbye to Donald Trump. As I’ve mentioned before, Trump can be seen as representing the abusive father/uncle archetype. He interrupts, talks over, calls people names, and manipulates reality through gaslighting and lies, which are all hallmarks of abuse. (You can read more about the signs of emotional abuse here.)

Saying goodbye to Trump, or any abusive person, is tricky and very much a mixed bag. Some common responses to ending an abusive relationship are guilt, fear, relief, and uncertainty. Much uncertainty arises around: Will they just leave without creating a traumatic scene? Will they hurt me on the way out? (As in Trump’s case with the insurrection.) Will they retaliate because they didn’t get what they wanted? (For Trump, a second term).

For 75 million people, there is great ambivalence, if not outright upset that Trump left.  As is the case not only with Trump but any abusive relationship, that’s because interspersed with the abuse are good times that are fun, hilarious, and seemingly intimate. It may feel as though the abuser understands you in a very deep way like so many fully believed Trump understood their working-class lives. You may feel seen and heard, which are needs every human being has. However, the not-so-good times with an abusive person are really, really not so good. They are painful, jarring to the nervous system, shocking even. They can leave you feeling confused, hurt, upset, and disoriented.

The wide range of feelings that arise when someone separates themselves from an abusive person are multilayered and complex. Why, or how do people find themselves in abusive relationships? Why do they feel so mixed? As is so often the case, childhood plays an important role. Early childhood misattunements can prime a person to get into (and stay in) an abusive relationship.

We humans are very impressionable and early relationships that we both experienced and witnessed become imprinted within us, in our psyches and in our DNA. Typically, a high tolerance for an abusive relationship stems from intergenerational trauma, or trauma inflicted by a grandparent or parent. Abuse can be something we are born into or witnessed in an on-going fashion early in life, so much so that abuse becomes the norm. And, over time, healthy connections create dissonance within.

I’d like to underscore that – abuse becomes normal. Bullying, dismissing, and manipulating reality become standard and even expected. Instead of pointing a finger at the abuser, you start to think you are to blame. You made the other person angry, you shouldn’t have said XYZ, if only you did ___, everything would go back to being great again.

Often what happens in an abusive situation is a person engages in psychological splitting, which allows them to tolerate difficult and overwhelming emotions. With splitting, another person is seen as either good or bad, idealized or put down, one or the other and not both. There isn’t room for nuance. It's impossible for someone to fully hold the light and the dark together when there is such an overwhelming amount of pain inside them from not feeling seen, heard, or respected. So instead, certain qualities or actions are ignored in order to maintain the image they have of their abuser. It’s why despite his erratic behavior, Trump could seemingly do no wrong.

I mention this to shed light on why for many people saying goodbye to Trump is heart wrenching. They are sad to see him go because they perceived good times with him as president. They felt he understood them in a way other presidents did not. The way he spoke, the words he used, the tone even, were relatable so some people appreciated him for that. He spoke with passion and even though Trump is not working class by any stretch of the imagination, working class folx still felt he understood their plight of living paycheck and paycheck. He advocated “fighting the man,” and “draining the swamp,” which spoke to people who felt slighted and put down.

However, there were also bad times with Trump. The latest being that he betrayed his supporters by not storming the Capitol building with them and instead encouraged them to go home (while at the same time fanning the flames of election fraud). Or when he threw paper towel rolls into a crowd of Hurricane Maria survivors instead of providing them with true aid.

Yet, despite the inconsistency, certain people perceived Trump as an ally and put up with his behavior because of it. In particular, I want to highlight the plight of the working class because as someone with that background, it’s an issue close to my heart.  

With the Covid-19 pandemic continuing to rage, and disproportionately affecting the working class and BIPOC, I fear we’ll see a larger chasm between the classes. That’s already showing up in some policies, for instance new regulations on travel from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Travelers flying to the U.S. from abroad (whether they are U.S. citizens or not) will have to show proof of negative Covid-19 tests before boarding their flight starting January 26. Covid-19 tests are often only free if a person has symptoms of the virus, or has been exposed to it. Purchasing a recreational Covid-19 test in order to travel is something available to those who can afford it.

Will the working class feel they are being left behind now that Trump is out of office? Maybe. What can we do to ensure that doesn’t happen? From my perspective it’s important to bring compassion to others, to remember everyone is fighting their own battles. Trump supporters are not “idiots” or “delusional” or whatever pejorative label might be thrown at them. They are people just like anyone else, and people always have reasons for what they do and say. And sometimes those reasons are related to trauma.

If you’re having mixed feelings about Trump leaving office, or you’re struggling to leave an abusive relationship and you want to explore a more in-depth understanding, reach out to connect   

To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sexologist), click here.

For ideas and ways to stay connected to and learn more about the unconscious through the body, feel free to stay connected.

Reference

Hackman, Michelle; Restuccia, Andrew. “U.S. to Require Covid-19 Tests for All International Visitors.” The Wall Street Journal. January 12, 2021. https://www.wsj.com/articles/u-s-to-require-covid-19-tests-for-all-international-visitors-11610472867?mod=article_inline