Consent is Sexy In and Out of the Bedroom

By: Dr. Denise Renye

I used to teach consent classes at Women Organized Against Rape (WOAR) back when I lived in Philly. Consent is often something people consider in light of sexual and romantic experiences. And for good reason. If a yes is not an enthusiastic yes, it is a no. However, consent is not confined to romantic relationships.

Consent is an ongoing mutual agreement between any two people about what they do or do not want to experience with their person, intellect, or energy. Nor is consent as simple as “no means no” and “yes means yes.” Consent evolves over time. Consent is an agreement that is worked out within oneself and then between the self and other(s).  These agreements may shift and change. They require frequent discussion. However, consent is necessary to consider well beyond sex.

It’s easy to think children have signed over consent to their parents until they turn 18, but that’s not the case. Children also have a right to say yes and to say no. Forcing a child to hug or kiss someone (including grandparents!) violates their consent. That’s an example of not honoring consent, but it’s also a boundary violation if the child says, “No, I don’t want to kiss grandma.” If they don’t want to hug or kiss someone, it’s important their “no” is honored.

If instances where the child’s “no” isn’t honored happen frequently enough, they become anxious or withdrawn because they learn their “no” doesn’t matter and it’s not safe to engage with other people. The child develops protective mechanisms including avoiding intimacy, but also the reverse: codependence. The person doesn’t know how to set boundaries with others because their boundaries weren’t honored when they were younger.

Many people grow up in households where boundaries are not respected. That’s for a variety of reasons, but often the parents didn’t learn healthy boundaries themselves and therefore weren’t equipped to teach them by example or through explicit instruction. Thus, many people need to learn about boundaries as adults. Boundaries can be understood as space between individuals. And space is necessary in all healthy relationships. Boundaries provide protection and safety. They are loving. They are a way for people to take care of themselves.

When we verbalize “yes” but internally mean “no,” we wind up feeling resentful. That’s because we are lacking self-care in that moment. If you don’t have the capacity for something, by all means, say so! It is a gift to everyone if you say no when you mean no.

Boundary setting is not a one-time occurrence. It happens over and over again throughout the day, the week, the year, and the lifetime. But just to give you some examples, the following is what boundary setting can look like:

·      Ask friends if they have the space to hear about any intensities that may be occurring in your life that you want to vent about instead of just beginning to vent.

·      Inform friends and family members you will not meet their expectations for immediate responses via text or phone calls (if they have that expectation). 

·      Take time (hours or even a full day!) away from your devices.

I want to acknowledge that boundary setting can involve tough conversations like if an ex resurfaces. But just because someone wants something from you – time, attention, connection, etc. – doesn’t mean you have to give it to them. Boundaries are healthy and they contribute to your overall happiness.

To understand more about consent and how to have a healthy relationship and understanding of It in your life, reach out to me for support. I’m happy to help.  

To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sexologist), click here.

For ideas and ways to stay connected to and learn more about the unconscious through the body, feel free to stay connected.