The Importance of Sticking to Your “No”

By: Dr. Denise Renye

This week as I was setting a boundary it reminded me 1.) boundary setting is a practice and 2.) sometimes people don’t respond well to the word “no.” Also, being on the receiving end of someone’s responsive or reactive feelings – fear, anger, sorrow, etc. – can feel intense.

To backtrack, what are boundaries? A boundary is an imaginary line that separates you from another person, place, thing, activity, or process. Think of it not only in terms of separating you physically from another person, but also delineating your feelings, needs, and responsibilities from others. Boundaries also communicate how you do and don’t want others to treat you as well as what type of situation you desire being in. (People aren’t mind readers so you communicate your preferences either by letting their behavior slide or by saying, “That isn’t OK with me.”)

For a person with codependency or codependent tendencies, they struggle with boundaries. However, boundaries, not barriers, are crucial for relationships to be functional. Author of the book Set Boundaries, Fine Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, Nedra Glover Tawwab, expands on this point when she writes, “Simply put, relationships without boundaries are dysfunctional, unreasonable, and hard to manage.”

However, what can happen is after setting a boundary, the other person may not like it. In response to, “I can’t come to your party because it starts too late at night for me,” the other person may say, “Oh come on! Don’t be such a grandparent.” Our society rewards the codependent response (“You’re right. I can sleep when I’m dead”) over the boundaried one (“No, really. I need my sleep”). It’s culturally ingrained for us to say “yes” to other people in order not to ruffle any feathers. It’s easier to “go along to get along” than to stand in your individual truth of what’s right for you. Yet, despite how others respond, it’s important for you to honor your boundaries because only you know what self-care means for you and what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t prioritize yourself and your needs, no one else will either.

Prioritizing yourself and your needs can also be taken to an extreme. None of us are islands (as much as some people would like to believe they are). Rebecca Solnit writes about this when she says:

“I grew up with the old axiom ‘my right to swing my arm ends where your nose begins,’ which is about balancing personal freedom with the rights of others and one’s own obligation to watch out for those rights. The maliciously gendered rhetoric of the National Rifle Association, the incels and pick-up artist subcultures, Trumpism, and a lot else have proposed, in recent years, that actually their right to swing their arms doesn’t end, and my nose and your nose are not their problem or are just in the way and need to move.”

I’m not advocating for other people to “move their noses.” I’m not suggesting unfettered arm-swinging, but instead I’m inviting you to explore what your boundaries are and then encouraging you to communicate them, no matter how uncomfortable. Doing so gives you a greater chance of knowing yourself. In this way you’re able to follow your inner knowing and not succumb to the pressures of pleasing people. And it can be very easy to people please. Socioculturally, we are groomed to do so.

As Glover Tawwab writes, “Focusing on how others might respond is one way we ruminate, which impacts our ability to act.” When the focus is on someone else – how they might feel or respond – the self is disregarded. It’s also a way of becoming disempowered. To quote her again, “Letting people know that certain things are just not working for you is a really helpful way to take back your power.”

It’s also a helpful way to come to know yourself and live a happier, healthier, more integrated kind of life. And after  asserting the boundary, practicing surrender could be a natural next step.

To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sexologist), click here.