Be the Parent Your Inner Child(ren) Needs

By: Dr. Denise Renye

We all wish that we had amazing parents. The sort of parents that came to every soccer game when we were small, that listened attentively to our emotions and content, that we could count on to be there for us no matter what. We wanted parents who reliably co-regulated our emotions, acknowledged and met our needs, and acted as a safe, secure base. Unfortunately, not all parents were like that because they didn’t know how to provide that experience to their child(ren) or were unavailable to do so because of their own wounding or trauma.

The thing is, no one gets a how-to manual on how to be a parent. Donald Winnicott, the pediatrician (and psychoanalyst), talked about the concept of the good enough mother. It helped to assuage mothers’ fears that they had to be perfect. This theory of the good enough mother and another of his theories on creativity and the true self are very helpful in the inner child work that we are exploring here.  He stated that the true self was the only self capable of creativity. And the way to access that true self is through play. Children love to play. And adults do too. However, social conditioning takes us away from play. 

Here's the thing though: It’s not too late. You can still have the parenting experience of your dreams. That parent…is you. You might be saying to yourself, “My childhood is long gone. Why should I even care about being a good parent to myself?” As I wrote in a previous post, no matter your age, there still exists within you the self you were at  76, 54, 36, 16, 12, 8, 5, 3, 18 months, 2 months,  in utero and perhaps even before. What that means is inside there are inner children longing for secure, conscious, emotionally attuned parents because each time something substantial or traumatic happens, there is a marker within yourself that took notice.

For the inner child, it could be an incident you haven’t thought about in years, or it may seem “silly” to your adult self. After you’ve started to befriend your inner smaller one, you may think, “How could my inner child be upset about that?” It could be something that seems like it’s not even from this lifetime! Whatever it is, your inner child (or children) are upset about it, which is all that matters. Your inner child’s feelings matter and are important. The choice becomes: “Will I give this inner self what they need? Or will I shrug my shoulders and try not to think about it?”

Many people choose to not consciously think about their past upsets, and for good reason. The past is the past, right? Well, yes. And, no. The past easily becomes the present as symptoms appear as depression, anxiety, or addiction. These symptoms are markers that something is going on, asking for attention. You can choose to see those symptoms as opportunities for healing and wholeness. One way to go about that process is to reparent yourself, or in other words, give your inner child(ren) what they needed and didn’t get. That can manifest in many ways. It could be generally giving your inner children what they need or something very specific.

A general need children (and adults) have is boundaries. If you grew up in a chaotic home without a bedtime routine, reparenting could be putting yourself to bed at around the same time every night. It could also mean saying no to things that aren’t nourishing for you.

However, there’s also specific reparenting where you can reimagine a situation your inner child is upset about and then provide a different outcome. It’s a form of active imagination and it can be very powerful in the process of healing. The body doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality which is why your heart races as you watch a scary movie. A part of you knows what’s happening is taking place on a screen, but your body does not. For reparenting purposes, that means as you remember something, you are essentially reliving it.

If your bicycle was stolen when you were 8 years old and your parents said, “Life’s tough, get over it,” you don’t have to live with that memory. Put yourself back in that scene. See the you who was upset, feel those feelings again, and this time, have your current adult self “go back in time” with you and provide a happier solution. Maybe your adult self provides some empathy and says, “I know, sweetie. That’s so upsetting. It makes sense you’re sad about your bicycle. Go ahead and cry. I’m here with you.” Or perhaps your adult self walks around the neighborhood with you, holding your hand until you find the stolen bicycle. Whatever feels best to your inner child, give that to yourself.

We all have moments that we wish had gone differently but we don’t have to continue carrying those past hurts with us. It’s a lot of weight and it can get very heavy. By reparenting through reimagining those scenarios, we can allow ourselves to heal.

As you go through this process, remember reparenting takes time. It starts with befriending your inner child, learning their preferred pronouns, playing with them, and then giving them what they need over and over again. And remember to take gentleness breaks. That may look like pausing to breathe, making a cup of tea, looking out the window at nothing in particular, or spending time with your beloved pet.

Resources

A Secure Base by John Bowlby

Inner Work by Robert Johnson

DW Winnicott. “Transitional objects and transitional phenomena; a study of the first not-me possession.” Int J Psychoanal. 1953;34(2):89–97. 

DW Winnicott. “Mirror-role of the mother and family in child development.” In: Lomas P, editor. The predicament of the family: a psycho-analytical symposium. London, UK: Hogarth Press; 1967. pp. 26–33. 

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