How to Befriend Your Inner Child
By: Dr. Denise Renye
You are every age you’ve ever been. If you’re 64, there exists within you the person you were at 63 but also 62, 61, and so on all the way to the day of your birth, and perhaps even before. When people reference the inner child, this is what they mean, the kid part that lives inside each and every person. This inner child (or children, really) is very worthy of our attention, time, and focus.
Paying attention to the inner child means actively listening to the inner child, which is a skill that will come in handy for deeper healing in your lifelong relationship with yourself. How deep do you want to go? Because there is a shallow end all the way out to the depths of the deep, deep blue. I suggest “dipping your toe” in inner child work as you’re getting started because otherwise, it may be overwhelming. Be gentle with yourself, have some humor, and stay comfortable while also pushing yourself forward. Lead with love and respect as you get in touch with the perhaps tender parts of you that live inside. However, the best way to know is to check in within yourself and see how your little one, your inner child, feels along the way. There are ways you can tell if you are moving too fast or too slow.
When I work directly with folx, I encourage “gentleness breaks,” which could mean slowing down the inner child work or pausing altogether before they feel ready to resume. I also suggest a reframe. Instead of “inner child work,” which sounds very much like something else on your to-do list, I call this sort of activity “inner child play.” Everyone likes to play, but children even more so. Have you ever seen the twinkle in a child’s eye when there is a peek-a-boo game going on? Or the wide smile that is across their face when they are deeply immersed in a game or craft? How about that wild abandon, or surrender, when they are running across a field of wildflowers and the sun is shimmering off of their hair?
As you’re familiarizing yourself with your inner child, it’s important to engage in a conversation and determine what pronoun they prefer. Doing so ensures your inner kid feels seen and heard. From there, a relationship can build. Why does this matter? Why would you want to befriend your inner child? Because each time something substantial or traumatic happens, there is a marker within wherein that very inner child was wounded and she, he, or they may have numbed a bit more and more each time just to stay alive in the family they grew up in or this world at large. Have you had a look recently? It’s a pretty wild one. The wounding to the inner child could have been an incident you haven’t thought about in years, or it may seem “silly” to your adult self. You may think, “How could my inner child be upset about moving when we were 6?” It could even be something that seems like it’s not even from this lifetime! That’s the mystery and majesty of inner child play: More information comes to light when you make time and space.
What would your inner child like to tell you? How do they feel? Sometimes the little one is angry because they’ve felt ignored for so long. They may not want to talk to you. Or maybe they are overjoyed to spend time with you. Can you get in touch with this part? What happens when you try? If doing so feels too challenging or overwhelming, here is a suggestion: simply draw. It is simple, but it may not feel easy.
Oftentimes judgements arise when we do things that we haven’t done in many years. “But I’m not a good artist” or “This is going to look dumb” or “What is this even for?” Are you willing to go to the root of all of these judgements so you can let go of them and start anew and heal more deeply?
As you start, remember you’re not entering an art contest, meaning don’t worry about how “good” the drawing is or if objects look “realistic.” Instead, do the following:
1. Get some crayons, the larger and fatter the better.
2. Grab some blank paper.
3. Tune into your body to see what colors want to be used.
4. Try to keep your mind out of the process. Set aside what colors you think would be complementary or “look good” together. See what colors would be fun for the body to use.
5. Maybe ask, “Body, what colors do you want to use?”
6. Keep going until you feel complete.
7. Notice how you feel afterward. Did any thoughts, feelings, or memories arise as you drew? If any intense emotions surface, let yourself feel and express them in healthy ways.
Not everyone feels comfortable drawing. That’s perfectly fine. In that case, consider purchasing a very simple coloring book, one for kids, not one of those intricate, fancy ones for adults. Engage in the same practice listed above and remember those lines are mere suggestions, not rules. Feel free to color outside of them.
Some ideas of what may want to be drawn could be a nautical theme of a mermaid, a boat, a fish, the waves of the sea; or perhaps trees, clouds, or wildflowers. But these are mere ideas from my own imagination. See where your crayon takes you are free drawing or what colors want to go where.
Inner child work is deep and may cause you to feel triggered, or out of balance, which is another way to understand feeling triggered. When this occurs, it is important to pause and engage in something soothing such as movement, time in nature or with animals, or gentle yoga.
You’re creating a relationship with your inner child. Relationships take time to build and aren’t constant. Carve out space to spend with your inner child(ren) just as you would with anyone else who matters to you. This could be the most important relationship you have in this lifetime because, essentially, this is a relationship with you.
Recommended Reading:
The Magical Child Within by Dr. Bruce Davis
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