The Alchemy of Acceptance

By: Dr. Denise Renye

This is the time of year when people typically lose their minds a little. They’re balancing their everyday lives with extra commitments: holiday parties, gift shopping, extra baking, traveling, and more. They may feel stressed and overwhelmed while struggling to contend with the facts of their lives. In other words, there’s not a lot of acceptance occurring, and instead, many folx wish things could be different: their families, their bodies, their financial situation, etc.

It's valid to wish things were different, it could be pointing toward some unmet needs or flagging what feels out of alignment in your life. At the same time, serenity comes from understanding what can be changed and what cannot. You can change yourself, but you can’t change your dysfunctional family or overbearing boss. You can change your eating habits but not necessarily force your body to become the shape and size you desire. When you recognize what you can change and what you cannot, peace may be found.

However, the interesting conundrum with acceptance is that often when you finally accept, “This is how things are and I’ll stop trying so hard to make them different,” that’s when there’s room for something new. There’s an alchemical process that occurs with acceptance that seems counterintuitive. For instance, if your family drives you crazy, you might find after accepting them as they, acknowledging they’re dysfunctional and won’t show up in the way you want them to, they respond to you differently.

Your mom might soften toward you and become less critical or her critical remarks sting just a little less. You might find yourself saying, “That’s mom. That’s the way she is and I accept that she may always be this way.” (This does not mean you need to be or remain in situations that are abusive). You might feel lighter, as if a burden has been lifted, because you’re no longer trying so hard to change your mother.  

Acceptance could also allow you to problem-solve in a way you couldn’t before. For instance, instead of subjecting yourself to your critical mother, maybe you only spend time with her at large gatherings or keep your phone conversations to five minutes or less. When you accept she is the way she is, then you can start focusing on yourself and what would feel nurturing to you instead of how you can control your mother’s behavior in order to feel better. That’s what we’re doing when we try to control others or wish things were different – in a roundabout way, we’re trying to meet our needs, but we can be more direct.

When you practice acceptance, you’re no longer focusing outward. You’re no longer trying to change, fix, or control other people and situations so you can feel happy, fulfilled, peaceful, or whatever it is you think will happen if only they did XYZ or if ABC looked different. Instead, you’re keeping the focus on yourself and asking what you can do right now, given these circumstances and these people, to feel the way you want to feel. 

Acceptance does not mean approval. Just because you accept that your family is rowdy and chaotic and it has you want to hide in the bathroom doesn’t mean you enjoy your rowdy and chaotic family. Nor does acceptance mean you’re giving up and saying, “Oh well. I guess I’ll just be miserable when I visit my family.” No. Acceptance means recognizing it’s unlikely you’ll be able to change your family, especially if you’ve already asked and they haven’t. It means saying, “What can I do to take care of myself knowing this is how my family is?”

It may be difficult to practice acceptance. But the key is that it is indeed a practice. So please be gentle with yourself as you do just that…practice acceptance. It runs counter to our first impulse – that the world should be different, not us – but I’ve seen over and over again in myself, my patients, clients, and students that when we’re able to accept things as they are, we find the answers we’re looking for.

Journal Prompts

·      What is something you’re struggling with? Can you change it? If not, can you accept it?

·      What does acceptance look like for you?

·      When practicing acceptance, what does it feel like in your body?

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