Watching Your Parents Grandparent

By: Dr. Denise Renye

The winter holidays are traditionally touted as a time for gathering with family. Instead of being the happiest time of year, it could be a sad one or even a confusing one. It may be full of grief because you don’t have a family, or you’re estranged from your family, or you are choosing not to spend it with them for a plethora of reasons. Then there are people who are spending time with family and that may bring up what I call disenfranchised grief. This is grief that is not acknowledged or even legitimized by society at large. An example may be witnessing your parents as more attuned and psychologically available for your kids, aka, their grandkids.

For someone in that situation, it may feel confusing or even like gaslighting. Generally, people want healthy, functional, emotionally regulated parents. There’s grief when that’s not present and why focusing on reparenting yourself can be so healing. To see the sort of parenting you wish you could have received given to your kids, but not to you, can bring up numerous feelings.

You might think to yourself, “Where was this person when I was a child? How come they couldn’t act like this for and with me?” On the one hand, of course you want your parents to be doting grandparents. But on the other hand, it could leave you feeling hoodwinked and sad.

In situations such as these, it’s important to remember people can change over the course of a lifetime. For some, parenting can in and of itself be a spiritual path that may lead to more evolution. Meaning, after reflecting on their parenting skills, some adults seek therapy, join a 12-step program, or enter into some sort of self-development program because they don’t like how they showed up for their kids. They recognize they could have done better and so when they’re presented with another opportunity as a grandparent, they do things differently. They have the capacity now to be better caregivers.

It may feel hard to have been what may feel like the guinea pig and I don’t want to diminish that, but knowing this happens sometimes with parents may help with accepting the situation. Remember, for most people if they could have done better, they would have. Your parents are different people now than when you were a child. And because they are different people, they are able to show up differently for your kids. 

Also, let’s be real, your parents have less responsibility than you do when it comes to childrearing. They aren’t with your kids all day every day. They aren’t the ones making choices about everything from shoe-tying methods to teaching bodily autonomy. You’re the one doing that. It’s likely you’re the one making the hard choices and your parents get to be fun and playful with your kids while you handle the heavy lifting. Perhaps they spend some time together playing board games and then your kids get sent home. Grandparenting is different from parenting.

Lastly, often grandparents are retired so they have more time and spaciousness to act as caregivers. They likely aren’t as stressed as you, the parent, because they’re in a different age and stage of life. Stress causes people to do things and make choices they otherwise wouldn’t make if they were relaxed. Keep that in mind as you witness your parents interact with your kids. You don’t know how they would be if they were responsible for raising your children 24/7. And honoring the growth they have lived is another way to view this situation. Having gratitude in your heart and mind, and maybe even extending it to them if you so wish, is another angle to take. While you are moving through this grief, which may include sadness and anger and confusion, make space for your feelings, which may not feel logical as you see a beautiful moment between your child and your parent. The human experience is very complex and if we let ourselves slow down there just might be time to feel your feelings and maybe even learn a bit more deeply about love.

Journal prompts

·      How does seeing my parents as grandparents influence how I am as a parent?

·      What from my own childhood do I feel grief about?

·      How does this grief show up in my body?

·      How might this provide an opportunity for me to do some deeper inner child healing for myself?

For more support on living a whole person, integrated kind of life, subscribe to my newsletter.