An In-Depth Look at Relationships with Narcissistic Elements
By: Dr. Denise Renye
If you’ve watched the news, you can see there are abusive relationships highlighted every day, from Kanye and Kim to stories that outline stalking and even murder. A look through my blog archive, you can see my practice focuses on raising consciousness around and healing from abuse, whether it’s emotional, physical, or otherwise. Something I’ve seen through this pandemic is abuse as relates to people with narcissism or narcissistic tendencies. They are reaching out to exes or finding a “new supply” via dating websites and apps to engage in a narcissistic-codependent dance with.
I say “dance” because often what happens with people with what's commonly known as narcissistic traits is they are attracted to people who have traits of codependency or are highly empathic. Why is this the case? Often because people who have codependency or are highly empathic struggle with boundaries and thus find it challenging to stand up for themselves. Boundaries are not something people with narcissism respect or possibly even pay attention to so it’s a “perfect match.” Often it’s the case of people with narcissism/narcissistic tendencies think others are the problem and the whole world should bend to their whim. This, of course, is more of an unconscious process that they most likely are unaware of. Bending to their whim is somewhat of an exaggeration of course, but the sentiment is true.
For instance, many people with narcissism may call their partner multiple times if the person doesn’t pick up their phone. They may also look through their partner's phone, private journal, social media accounts, etc. These are all boundary violations, especially if the partner has expressed they want to keep certain things private or set some kind of boundary like only texting during the day. A person with narcissism/narcissistic tendencies isn’t thinking about the needs of other people, they’re only thinking about themselves. They may not have the capacity to think of others’ needs outside of their own.
As you can imagine, consent (or lack thereof) is present in narcissistic relationships. Consent means an ongoing mutual agreement between partners about what they do or don’t want to experience. Consent isn’t just “no means no” and “yes means yes.” Consent is ongoing and ever-evolving. Some days a person may desire oral sex but other days not – consent means recognizing and respecting how a person feels in the present moment. It also means understanding what a person is comfortable with can change in either direction: They may be more or less comfortable with certain activities in the future.
Healthy relationships are consensual ones where each partner respects the other’s boundaries and doesn’t make assumptions about what’s OK and what’s not.
Dating Red Flags
How do you know if you or your partner are not practicing consent? If either of you are pressuring or guilting the other into doing things they may not want to, that’s not consent. Nor is suggesting that they “owe” you because you’re dating or you did XYZ for them.
If you or your partner reacts with sadness, anger, or resentment as a way to manipulate a boundary, that’s not consent. Nor is ignoring verbal or nonverbal indications that consent is not given.
What are some other red flags to look for? I already mentioned self-centeredness, which can manifest not only as ignoring boundaries, but also a person talking about themselves a lot, walking far ahead of other, arriving late consistently, interrupting conversations, or taking calls from other people in the middle of a discussion or a tender moment.
A person with narcissism/narcissistic tendencies can also be arrogant. They can appear to or actually feel superior to other people, which is revealed in how they talk about themselves and others. Is their school the best in the country? Is their job the best in the world? Do they name drop famous people they know? All signs of arrogance. Another demonstration of superiority is putting down others – is someone else always to blame? Did the person’s last relationship combust because their partner was “crazy”? Those are red flags or potential red flags. The paradox of this type of person is they appear to feel superior when, underneath that exterior, they actually feel (deep down) they are inferior. It is a deep fear of theirs that they are inadequate.
Truly, an important indicator that a person leans towards waltzing through this world with narcissistic tendencies is they are entitled. People with narcissism act from a space of being special and superior to others, as already mentioned. That can translate into thinking they deserve special treatment or that the general rules of humanness don’t apply to them.
After mentioning all of the above, you might think, “Why would anyone get into a relationship with a narcissist?” For one, people with narcissism are master manipulators. They know how to flatter a person, make them feel special (initially), and dazzle them with their accomplishments, abilities, shower with gifts, or generally flaunt their lifestyle. People with narcissism or it’s tendencies are skilled in the art of seduction and do things like love bombing, gas lighting, discarding, and have “flying monkeys” to act on their behalf.
Narcissism in Action
I threw out a lot of terms above – what do they mean? Love bombing is like it sounds: A person with narcissism/narcissistic tendencies lavishes attention and affection on a potential partner. The potential partner is a “soul mate” and idealized in every possible way. The person with narcissism/narcissistic tendencies may communicate excessively and promise an amazing future. “Let’s build a life together” or “You are my soulmate, the only one for me.” People tend to stay in these relationships due to trauma bonding, which will be discussed below. Another tactic people with narcissism or narcissistic tendencies use is “flying monkeys,” which is a reference to the movie The Wizard of Oz. In the film, flying monkeys did the dirty work of the Wicked Witch of the West.
“Flying monkeys” are, in other words, a third party who does their dirty work and acts like a henchman. These third parties will use whatever tactics are necessary to protect the person with narcissism/narcissistic traits. One such tactic is gaslighting, which means a psychological manipulation with the intent to make the other person doubt their own truth and mental health. For instance, telling a person, “That didn’t happen,” or “You’re crazy.” These are words that may come from said flying monkeys or directly from the person with narcissism themselves.
Flying monkeys can also be outright aggressive and coerce a person to engage in a behavior they are uncomfortable with. (Consent isn’t a part of a flying monkey’s vocabulary.) Aggression and gaslighting aren’t limited to flying monkeys by the way, people with narcissism engage in that sort of abuse as well. Not to mention, the person with narcissism may emotionally blackmail their partner with threats, anger, and intimidation that results in fear, obligation and/or guilt.
Other actions of people with narcissism include the following:
· Competition. As people with narcissism want to feel superior, they will compete with those around them do whatever it takes to be the winner, even if it’s through unethical means. This may be overtly or on the sly. There is an ever-present scorecard of who is better being tallied seemingly all the time.
· Exploitation. They will also use others for their own personal means without regard to how their actions make other people feel.
· Withholding. A person with narcissism will withhold things such as money, sex, communication, and affection in order to get what they want. Similarly, they will engage in neglect and ignore the needs of people they are responsible for, such as children.
· Financial abuse. They may control another person by draining their bank account via extortion, theft, manipulation, gambling, or accruing debt in the other person’s name.
Eventually, the narcissistic relationship ends either because the partner has broken it off, or the person with narcissism loses interest and moves on to a new person to supply attention to them. They recognize their partner has human flaws, that they don’t support or prop up the image the person has of themselves, and the person with narcissism flips. They become cold and withholding, thus discarding the partner.
There’s no healthy communication with the partner, no reasons given for the break up, unless to project unwanted aspects of themselves onto the partner through blame and shame. There’s no closure, just an empty space the person with narcissism once occupied. That leaves the now ex-partner feeling betrayed, duped, and abandoned. How could something that started off so magical end like this? Because it wasn’t real in the first place: The relationship was an idealized fantasy.
I’ve spent a lot of time talking about people with narcissism, but what about their partners? How do they fit into the equation?
The Other Side of the Equation
Oftentimes people with narcissism/narcissistic tendencies pair up with someone who has codependence or is highly empathic. People with codependent tendencies typically have low self-esteem and anxious attachment (or both anxious and avoidant attachment together), meaning they are insecure in their relationships. They believe on an unconscious level that love comes from the outside and at any moment the source of that love can go away. In order to maintain love, affection, and connection, the person will do whatever it takes to keep it, including acquiesce to the needs or will of their partner, even if that goes against their inner truth, needs, or desires.
Someone with codependent traits can feel perpetually lonely and long for an idealized partner to “take away” their loneliness. When a person with narcissism comes along and starts singing a sweet tune, throwing around words like “soul mate,” the person with codependence is enchanted. This could be the end of all their troubles, finally! The fantasy of being saved from loneliness is deep. Even when chinks start to appear in the façade, the person sticks around in the dysfunctional relationship because they are afraid of being abandoned, but also due to the trauma bond.
Trauma bonding is like Stockholm Syndrome in that people come to have feelings of trust or even affection for the people who are mistreating or abusing them. Trauma bonding can be understood as the one with narcissistic tendencies has finally found a person who seems to be nurturing and all-loving. And the one with codependent tendencies has finally found someone who is ever-present and “saving” them from their loneliness and confusion in life. They are a dysfunctional source or stability for each other. It’s a survival strategy. It’s also connection that defies logic and is very hard to break. But it can be broken!
I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on narcissistic abuse, but it is a situation that can be exited as well as avoided. First and foremost, for people who are in imminent danger, I recommend the national domestic hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/. Someone is available 24 hours a day to provide help and counseling.
To avoid entering a narcissistic relationship, pay attention to your body and your feelings. Does something seem “off?” Trust that. Trust yourself. And trust your knowing. Do not underestimate the knowing you have inside of yourself. Also ask yourself if the excitement you feel about the relationship is rather anxiety at the prospect of rejection or losing an idealized future. If it’s the latter, proceed with caution. Go slow as you’re dating. Take your time to get to know the other person. Healthy relationships take a while to build trust and trust must be earned. Someone with narcissism or narcissistic tendencies frequently lies so pay attention to what people do, not only what they say. Listen beyond the words. Listen with your whole person.
I want to emphasize here that healthy partners practice consent and they honor boundaries. They know that everyone is a flawed, imperfect human being (themselves included) and don’t lose interest as soon as imperfections are discovered. Dating can be hard and bring up so much for people, but it doesn’t have to be a solo endeavor. You can do so with support.
References
Court, Andrew. “Did Kanye ‘Love Bomb’ Julia Fox? Dating Tactic Can Be a Red Flag.” NY Post. January 07, 2022. https://nypost.com/2022/01/07/did-kanye-lovebomb-julia-fox-dating-tactic-is-dangerous/
Lancer, Darlene. “All You Should Know About Narcissistic Love Bombing.” Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201811/all-you-should-know-about-narcissistic-love-bombing. November 4, 2018.
Lancer, Darlene. “How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse.” Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse. September 17, 2017.
Lancer, Darlene. “Red Flags and Blind Spots in Dating a Narcissist.” Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201810/red-flags-and-blind-spots-in-dating-narcissist. October 1, 2018.
Selleck, Emily. "Drew Carey Shares Last Text from ex Amie Harwick Before Her Murder." Page Six. February 10, 2022. https://pagesix.com/2022/02/10/drew-carey-shares-last-text-from-ex-amie-harwick-before-death/
Unknown. “Consent.” TheHotline.org. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/consent/. Accessed February 23, 2021.
Unknown. “What are my boundaries?” Loveisrespect.org. https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-are-my-boundaries/. Accessed February 22, 2021.
Unknown. “What consent does – and doesn’t – look like.” Loveisrespect.org. https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-consent-does-and-doesnt-look-like/. Accessed February 23, 2021.