The Dark Night of the Soul and Subsequent Rebirth
By: Dr. Denise Renye
A very important concept in psychotherapy is the “dark night of the soul.” However, you may be surprised to learn that the dark night of the soul didn’t originate from a mental health professional and instead came from a 16th-century Spanish mystic and poet: St. John of the Cross.
In his eight-stanza poem, he narrates the journey of the soul to mystical union with the Divine. The journey is called “The Dark Night” because the destination is unknown, it’s in the dark. St. John wrote, "[T]he soul tells the mode and manner in which it departs, as to its affection, from itself and from all things, dying through a true mortification to all of them and to itself, to arrive at a sweet and delicious life with God.”
These days, centuries later, “the dark night of the soul” has been expanded to encompass a psychological death and rebirth process. It can be understood as a death of the ego and a rebirth of a more conscious self. To be alive means to have experienced some sort of social conditioning. Every society has certain norms about what’s OK and what’s not OK. That may show up in what’s considered attractive, the roles the genders play, or how children are “supposed” to behave. Whatever it is, every society has certain “molds” that individuals either fit into or don’t.
There may come a time in a person’s life when they start to ask deep questions like, “Is this working for me? Do I believe in these societal dictates?” The questions may also have a narrower focus like, “Is this relationship working for?” and “Am I living in a place that I enjoy?” The person may also develop certain symptoms like anxiety, depression, or addiction. Instead of viewing these symptoms as proof there’s something “wrong” with the person, I view them as indicating there’s something right. Symptoms develop for a reason and can help you transform into who you truly are by shedding some of the skin taken on through the conditioning process of life lived with the pressures of family, culture, school, religion, and relationships.
But before you can transition into being the person you truly are, typically, you go through a dark night of the soul, a chrysalis period. Sufi professor, poet, and philosopher Hazrat Inayat Khan said, “There can be no rebirth without a dark night of the soul, a total annihilation of all that you believe in and thought that you were.”
I agree. Oftentimes going deep into the soul and the psyche requires you to let go of and lose your footing in the world as you knew it. There’s a surrendering here, an acceptance of what is rather than what you want to be. Carl Jung speaks to this when he writes, “Every transformation demands as its precondition ‘the ending of the world’ – the collapse of an old philosophy of life.”
The dark night of the soul is that collapse of your old philosophy. It may feel like you stumbled into a wormhole or alternate reality where nothing makes sense anymore. The things you thought you knew about yourself and your life have been flipped upside down. Your conceptual framework gets shattered, which can feel painful and lonely, sometimes desperately so.
The dark night of the soul is an existential crisis, a time of sifting through what matters to you and what does not. It’s a time of reconnection and illumination to learn what works for you and what doesn’t. Poet David Whyte says, “Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you.”
In other words, the dark night of the soul is not pain for pain’s sake. It’s more like an initiation into a new way of being where you come out the other side more integrated, more whole, and more authentic. And despite the use of the word “night,” the period may last longer than one night. It could be days, weeks, months, even years. You may also experience several dark nights of the soul because healing is not linear, meaning, healing doesn’t follow an orderly straight line. It’s messy and complicated and circles back around sometimes.
Have you heard the joke, “How do you make God laugh? Tell her your plans”? That’s what the dark night of the soul teaches – to let go of your preconceptions and become more open to life unfolding in a divinely orchestrated way. And the more you do so, it’s likely you may find more ease and joy in your life. Practices that support the dark night of the soul process are not only working with a trained professional, but also joining 12-step groups (and committing to working the steps with a trusted sponsor), practicing breathwork, taking a psychedelic journey in a sacred space, and meditating. If you’re interested, I’ve recorded a few meditations you can purchase in my shoppe.
The dark night of the soul can be a fruitful time, if you let it. And just know, you’re not alone, even if it feels that way sometimes.
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