The Often Unacknowledged Grief of Miscarriage
By: Dr. Denise Renye
As a Bay Area sexologist, I work with couples and individuals who are at various points of the pregnancy journey. We always hope for a smooth and easy journey from start to finish but sometimes that doesn’t happen. Sometimes there’s a miscarriage and the loss strikes the very core of people's hopes and dreams. It’s a deeply painful and emotionally challenging journey for those who go through it. Yet, often, the grief and loss associated with a miscarriage are not fully acknowledged or validated by society, which leads to disenfranchised grief.
This form of grief is not given the same level of recognition or support as other forms of loss, which is why it’s called “disenfranchised.” It affects not only the parent who bore the physical burden of the miscarriage but also their partner, extended family, and friends.
The Parent Who Birthed
The parent who bore the physical burden of the miscarriage often faces a unique and complex experience of disenfranchised grief. A bond forms with the being inside their uterus and hopes and dreams of a future with their child are woven into the very fabric of the parent’s being. It’s natural to ponder what their child will look like or imagine celebrating major milestones. In other words, the miscarriage is not only the loss of a pregnancy, but also the loss of that imagined future, and the parent may grapple with feelings of guilt and self-blame.
The person might question whether they did something wrong or whether they could have prevented the loss. The out-of-controlness of the situation is monstrous. Society has so many rules, mandates, and horror stories associated with pregnancy – “Don’t drink this, don’t eat that, don’t use this sunscreen because if you do this horrible thing will happen.” When grieving after a miscarriage, it can be a landmine filled with the constant refrain of “if only.” “If only I hadn’t done ___, I would be birthing.” It’s awful and the grieving parent(s) may feel isolated and misunderstood.
The Other Partner
The partner of the person who miscarried is another often-overlooked participant in the experience of disenfranchised grief. While they did not physically bear the pregnancy, they share in the loss of their future child and the grief of their partner. They might feel helpless because they don’t know how to comfort or support their partner during this challenging time. In some cases, the partner's grief might be disregarded or dismissed because they were not the one who physically miscarried. Just because they didn’t have a physical bond with the being doesn’t mean they weren’t connected. Not honoring the other partner’s grief can lead to feelings of isolation and frustration, making the grieving process even more challenging.
Extended Family and Friends
Miscarriage affects not only the parents but also extended family and friends. The broader community also had hopes and dreams. Maybe they planned to be a cool aunt or a fun grandma. They also may be suffering.
Another form of disenfranchised grief for extended family and friends is the pain of witnessing their loved ones’ suffering. They might want to provide support but often don’t know how. Moreover, miscarriage can be a deeply private and personal experience for the couple, making it challenging for extended family and friends to offer the needed support. This can lead to feelings of helplessness and frustration for those who care about the grieving parents.
Support and Healing
Recognizing and validating the grief associated with miscarriage is essential for healing. Those who experience disenfranchised grief need understanding and support from their communities. There are several ways society can better acknowledge and address this form of loss including the following:
1. Open and empathetic communication: Encourage open conversations about miscarriage to remove the stigma and allow people to express their grief without judgment.
2. Validation of feelings: Acknowledge the grief and pain of those who have experienced a miscarriage, whether they are the parent who physically miscarried, their partner, or loved ones.
3. Support systems: Create support groups or provide access to counseling and resources for individuals and couples going through miscarriage.
4. Education and awareness: Promote education about miscarriage and its emotional effect to increase understanding and empathy within society. This is already happening to a degree as October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.
Miscarriage is a profound and often silent form of grief that extends beyond the parent who physically miscarried. The grief experienced by partners, extended family, and friends is equally real and deserves recognition and support. By acknowledging and addressing disenfranchised grief, society can help those affected by miscarriage navigate their loss and find healing and solace in the company of empathetic and understanding communities.
Resources
https://www.miscarriageformen.com/
https://www.mymiscarriagematters.org/
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