Create Peace in Your Relationships with Nonviolent Communication
By: Dr. Denise Renye
A couple's silhouette sitting under a large tree, as the sun sets in the background, casting warm hues of orange and pink, symbolizing peace and connection.
There’s a lot of violence in the world right now not only with actions but also the way many people are speaking to one another. No matter where you live or what you believe though, you can create more peace in the world, right now. It starts with how you communicate with the people in your life and one method to try is nonviolent communication (NVC).
NVC is a method of speaking and listening developed by psychologist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg based on the premise that connection more easily leads to solutions. Oftentimes when people communicate with one another it’s in a binary way: “I’m right, you’re wrong,” or “I’m good and you’re bad.” These ways of thinking often lead to anger and anger can lead to violence if it’s not expressed healthily.
These binaries are judgments and judgments can easily spur violence because there’s a feeling that certain actions are justifiable. For instance, “Terrorists deserve to die,” or “They asked for it.” The idea is “they” did something “wrong” and so now they need to be punished. It’s not only on the world stage where we see violence play out. It also shows up in small ways, like in our arguments and how we speak to ourselves.
If you think about your last argument, it likely had an element of, “You did this! Well, you did that!” to it. There’s no room for intimacy and connection because each person is trying to demonstrate how “right” they are. Nonviolent communication, on the other hand, values connection first and solutions second. The underlying message is, “I care about your feelings and I care about mine. I recognize you’re a person and I am too. How can we work together?”
From the NVC website, “We trust that in the space of heart connection we have access to a reservoir of creativity where we can find options that meet everyone’s needs. In the context of connection, disagreements can be resolved nonviolently.”
That “reservoir of creativity” means there are many options to meet every need. For instance, a need for beauty could be met by having flowers in the house, going to an art museum, hiking, looking at photographs, wearing earrings, and more. In other words, instead of becoming attached to one strategy, NVC suggests you broaden your perspective and see what other options are available.
When you understand things don’t have to go a certain way in order for you to feel at peace, there’s room for everyone to get their needs met. Let’s compare how a scenario might be handled first without NVC and then using it. Say a person comes home late from work again. Their partner could launch into a fight and say, “I’ve asked you a hundred times to come home earlier but you don’t! You care about work more than you care about me!” A typical response to this might be, “That’s not true! How could you say that? You don’t understand all the pressure I’m under!”
Both people are trying to assert their point of view, to be “right” and make the other person acquiesce to their perspective. However, it doesn’t work. The argument goes round and round in circles because they aren’t really seeing or hearing one another. An NVC response starts with a self-evaluation. Are you angry? Do you feel riled up? Is your heart closed? If the answer to those questions is “yes,” now is not the time to engage. You could say, “I hear that you’re really upset about this. Let’s take 15 minutes to cool down and then talk about it.”
When you’ve had time to privately process your judgments (or call a friend for support) and connect with your feelings and needs, you can come back together with your partner. The basic NVC sentence structure, which, yes, while formulaic is still effective and states, “It sounds like you feel _______. Do you have a need for ________?” It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong with your guesses. The important thing is you’re demonstrating you’re trying to understand the other person and new information may come to light.
In the instance of being late, an NVC approach could go as follows:
“You came home late again and I’m upset about that.”
“It sounds like you’re upset that I came home late.”
“I am upset. I’m also hurt.”
“I see. You’re hurt and upset. Do you have an unmet need for connection?”
“Connection and consideration, yes.”
“I hear you. What would help you to feel considered?”
“You could send me a text.”
“I’ll do that but you know, I also have some feelings about me coming home late.”
“Oh. I hadn’t thought about that. Are you feeling stressed at work? Do you have a need for ease?”
“I’m stressed yes, have a need for ease, yes, but also I would like some consideration for how much pressure I’m under.”
“What does that look like for you?”
When both partners are able to get in touch with their feelings and then express them to one another, from there, connection is maintained and solutions arise.
NVC takes effort and practice. It likely won’t feel natural in the beginning because it’s a new way of communicating. It’s also not something you have to practice with everyone. You get to choose who you connect with and who you don’t. But if you use these principles, you might find your relationships are more peaceful.
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Journal Prompts
In moments of disagreement or conflict, how do I notice my own resistance or hesitancy to lead with an open heart and mind?
How does my current level of openness and vulnerability contribute to or hinder my willingness to improve communication through open-heartedness in my relationships, and what steps can I take to cultivate a more open and receptive mindset?
Reflecting on recent interactions, how has my willingness (or lack thereof) to use NVC influenced the dynamics of my relationships, and what mindset shifts can I cultivate to embrace this approach more readily for improved connection and understanding?
Resources
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. https://www.cnvc.org/
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg.