Painful ‘Sex’
By: Dr. Denise Renye
There are many women we work with in classes, therapy sessions, and via coaching who have this idea it’s OK to experience pain during sex. They aren’t alone: The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists reports that nearly three out of four women have pain during intercourse at some time during their lives. That’s a lot of women! Sometimes it’s temporary, but sometimes it’s a long-term issue.
Ob/Gyns approach the issue from a medical standpoint as painful sex could be due to ovarian cysts, endometriosis, a pelvic floor issue, vaginal dryness, and more. All of that should of course be considered and treated or ruled out, but sometimes the issue of painful sex is something else, such as a lack of arousal or a mismatch with a sexual partner.
At Whole Person Integration and Psychology, we don’t think sex should ever be painful. In fact, if sex doesn’t involve pleasure, is it even sex? Something can look like sex and even result in pregnancy, but if there’s no pleasure, what are the people involved even doing? There are numerous reasons to have sex, but just as we mentioned, an orgasm is perhaps not what you think it is, there should be different names for sex because not all sex is created equal. It’s perhaps why people already put a qualifier onto sex, classifying it as “good” and “bad.”
Some people may say sex with pain is “bad sex” and leave it at that, but for sex that includes pain, isn’t it more akin to something violent? We don’t call rape “sex” so we shouldn’t call sex with pain sex either. By just calling it “sex” there’s an easier chance to overlook underlying causes, whether it’s something biological, interpersonal, or emotional. Painful sex may have enthusiastic consent on both sides so it’s not rape, but it shouldn’t be considered sex.
We wholeheartedly advocate for pleasure-oriented sex instead of goal-oriented sex, meaning orgasm need not be the be-all and end-all. In other words, sex can be pleasurable without resulting in orgasms! It’s about the journey, not only the destination. We want people to incorporate pleasure more into their sexual expression so that it’s an embodied experience. Without being embodied, sex likely won’t feel pleasant. Pleasure is not only the absence of pain. It’s enjoyment and requires engagement of the senses in a pleasing way.
Why do people put up with painful sex? This is an important question that could be worthy of an entire blogpost on its own. It’s yet another symptom of a patriarchal society, meaning one that values the needs, wants, and desires of men and those on that side of the gender continuum more than women and those on the other side of the gender continuum. Patriarchy advocates for disregarding the body unless it’s to “whip it into shape.” It’s why women visit their primary care provider to a greater extent than men for both physical and mental health concerns, according to research from Canada. It’s also why men ignore or put off dealing with medical problems – they think they should be tough, brave, and self-reliant, Rutgers researchers found.
This way of thinking and being encourages everyone to manipulate their bodies, instead of listening to them and that trickles down to sex whereby men, women, and everyone in between deny their own body’s cues and go along with something because other people say so and do so. We’re encouraged to disregard the Divine Feminine which is gentler and more intuitive.
If people embraced and integrated all parts of the self, the feminine, the masculine, and everything in between, then they would not deny the body its birthright of pleasure and they would speak out with a strong voice to state they need to stop when pain is present during sex. In fact, this blog post wouldn’t even need to be written because it would be commonplace for anyone to stop anything that isn’t right for their body, anytime and always. Embracing the Divine Feminine means a deeper understanding of what the needs and wants are of everyone and speaking up to advocate for it in pleasure settings. That’s what we consider real sex. It’s something everyone enjoys.
Journal Prompts
· Is sex painful for me? How? When?
· What is stopping me from having conversations with my partner about sex before, during, and after we are engaging sexually?
· Am I willing to continuously move towards living a more and more deeply embodied life that prioritizes pleasure?
To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sex Therapist), click here.
References
American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. “When Sex is Painful.” September 2017. https://www.acog.org/womens-health/faqs/when-sex-is-painful#:~:text=How%20common%20is%20painful%20sex,is%20a%20long%2Dterm%20problem.
Branson, Ken. “The Tougher Men Think They Are, the Less Likely They Are to Be Honest with Doctors.” Rutgers Today. March 23, 2016. https://www.rutgers.edu/news/tougher-men-think-they-are-less-likely-they-are-be-honest-doctors#.WRDhldLyvIV
Thompson, A.E., Anisimowicz, Y., Miedema, B. et al. “The influence of gender and other patient characteristics on health care-seeking behaviour: a QUALICOPC study.” BMC Fam Pract. 2016, vol. 17:38. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12875-016-0440-0