Expressing Masculinity in a Healthy Way

By: Dr. Denise Renye

Our society is awash in toxic masculinity, or an attitude about what it means to be a man that glorifies toughness, antifeminity, and has specific ways of dictating what power means. Toxic masculinity says cis-gendered men (because trans-men are not accepted under toxic masculinity) must be physically strong, emotionally callous, and behaviorally aggressive. They are antifeminine not only with their outright misogyny but also rejecting all things traditionally deemed feminine such as self-care and asking for help. People who operate with toxic masculinity work toward obtaining power and status at the expense of themselves, their relationships, and the environment.

Four superhero figurines, including a very muscular Superman and a skinny Joker, representing different expressions of masculinity in society.

Like many topics I cover, toxic masculinity operates on a continuum, there are degrees of toxic masculinity and it’s not only men who perpetuate it because just like patriarchy, women can prop it up too. Why should we care about toxic masculinity? Because this set of attitudes and actions is harming us all. It’s behind the overturning of Roe v. Wade, Stand Your Ground laws where people are not punished for shooting strangers, and the destruction of the planet. It’s, well, toxic.

Some people say, “Let women be in charge! Then everything would be better!” but I don’t necessarily agree because one gender isn’t inherently better than the other. What’s called for is a reclamation of the divine feminine and a healthy expression of masculinity. The divine masculine encompasses qualities like strength, courage, assertiveness, clarity, and leadership. It values rationality, purpose, and protection while emphasizing independence, discipline, and focus. These qualities are not gender-specific and can be cultivated by anyone to promote a balanced and integrated sense of self.

It's important to recognize that these qualities exist on a spectrum, and no one person embodies all of them perfectly. Additionally, the concept of the divine masculine is not meant to promote traditional gender roles or stereotypes but rather to emphasize that these qualities are part of the human experience and can be cultivated by anyone, regardless of their gender identity. Balancing these qualities with the qualities associated with the divine feminine can lead to a more holistic and integrated sense of self. To live a fully integrated, whole-person kind of life, we all need both of these energies.

We must tend to the divine feminine by accessing our inner world, getting in touch with our soft side, and creating space to flow, meaning giving ourselves some unstructured time to follow our whims. But that doesn’t mean we neglect the divine masculine!

To express masculinity in a healthy way, first take an inventory. Just like a store learns what it needs to restock by taking an inventory, people must self-reflect and assess how they’re acting in order to do something about it (or not). Here are some journal prompts to help you with this process:

Journal Prompts

·      What energy is more dominant in my life?

·      How is my masculinity expressed? Is that working for me?

·      Is there some degree of toxicity in how I express masculinity? If so, how?

Once you learn what you’re doing and how, you can make adjustments. I’ve written many posts about divine femininity because it’s been ignored for so long. Please read those if you need support bringing more of the divine femininity into your life. But if you want suggestions on expressing masculinity in a healthy way, I have some tips. Keep in mind expressing masculinity is personal and varies but there are some general principles:

1.     Just start. If you find that you spend a lot of time thinking about doing something rather than actually doing it, just start! Do it imperfectly. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Recognize you don’t have to have all the answers or information. Just jump in but do this responsibly. Deciding to quit your job and move to another country on a whim is not what I mean here. Big decisions require more thoughtfulness. But if you’ve always wanted to learn Italian, download a language-learning app and just start.

2.     Take reasonable risks. The divine masculine urges us to put ourselves out there, to grow our comfort zone. This could be asking out someone you find attractive, starting a blog, or having a hard conversation with someone you love. Toxic masculinity bulldozes your feelings and everyone else’s whereas healthy masculinity assesses situations with curiosity, thoughtfulness and care.

3.     Access your inner warrior. Is there something in your life that needs protecting or tending? For instance, a plant getting eaten by insects? A coworker who is always the brunt of office jokes? Maybe your inner child? Express healthy masculinity by standing up for whatever or whoever needs protecting. And keep in mind, you’re not coming in as a rescuer or a savior, which is another unhealthy behavior. Instead, you’re holding a boundary.

4.     Heal your wounds. Toxic masculinity declares, “I’m fine, I don’t need any help,” but the divine masculine understands we all need help and support. Expressing masculinity in a healthy way means taking responsibility for your life and doing something about it. This could be healing your father wounds, befriending your inner child, or addressing an addiction. Whatever it is, the divine masculine asks us to show up for ourselves and our community more fully.

If you’d like more support around healing masculinity, reach out to me. And be sure to subscribe to my newsletter where I provide more wisdom on living an integrated life.          

 To set up an appointment to work together for sex therapy, depth psychotherapy, or holistic coaching now, click here. 

Marin County Sex Therapist