Bay Area Sex Therapist Explains Aromanticism

By: Dr. Denise Renye

Something I emphasize in my work as a Bay Area sex therapist is that sexuality is multifaceted. There are five circles of sexuality and thus sexuality, expression, and orientation are so much more complicated than falling into the categories of gay, straight, or bi. Plus, when speaking of sexual orientation, some people don’t experience sexual attraction at all, others only feel attracted after an emotional bond, and some need intellectual stimulation to feel sexual attraction. However, attraction isn’t limited to sex, there’s also romantic attraction or lack thereof.

In our romance-obsessed culture, there’s an expectation and pressure that people fall in love and engage in romantic activities but some folx don’t want that. Aromantics experience little to no romantic attraction. Keep in mind aromanticism like all things sexuality, exists on a spectrum. That means some aromantics may experience a bit of romantic attraction rarely while others never experience it at all.

There is no standard definition of romance or romantic attraction but in general, it means falling in love or developing a crush on someone. The physical sensations can include a racing heart, sweaty palms, or butterflies in the stomach along with thoughts and feelings of wanting to spend time with the other. Romantic attraction could include fantasizing about romantic things you’ll do with another person such as kissing, holding hands during a moonlit stroll, or jet-setting to Paris for the weekend. Aromantics don’t have these types of sensations or fantasies about another person but they may have desires to be around other people or even a specific person. However, instead of desiring that in a romantic way, it’s more in a platonic one.

From my perspective as a Bay Area sex therapist, a Netflix show that does an amazing job of highlighting aromanticism is Heartstopper. This show does an excellent job around sexual expression of orientation and identity, the challenges that accompany coming out, and even body image and eating disorder navigation in a compassionate way. Aromatic themes subtly emerge through the character of Isaac, who embodies a storyline of self-discovery around his lack of romantic and sexual attraction. While the series primarily focuses on the blossoming love between its central characters, Isaac's journey contrasts this by highlighting that not everyone experiences romantic or sexual attraction in the same way.

Throughout the show, Isaac's disinterest in romantic relationships becomes a quiet yet meaningful exploration of aromatic identity, offering visibility to those whose experiences often go unrepresented. His story gently challenges the notion that romantic love is essential to fulfillment, showcasing the diversity of human connection. He experiences a lot of growth through his questioning of how to exist as a single person in a group of friends that prioritize being in a couple. That diversity of human connection is an important point to emphasize – aromantic individuals may still form deep, meaningful relationships.

These bonds are typically based on emotional, intellectual, or platonic connection rather than sexual desire. However, because romantic attraction and sexual attraction are distinct, an aromantic person may experience sexual attraction or desire without romantic feelings, or vice versa. That means some aromantic people are in relationships, live with someone, show affection, and have sex.  Aromantic people may get married and have children. Their desires are not to fulfill a romantic fantasy but instead because of a desire for intimacy, commitment, emotional support, or something else. Their lives may all look very different.

Aromantics can also experience love even if they don’t fall in love. In my work as a Bay Area sex therapist, I remind folx that love comes in all forms – there’s love for family, friends, pets, nature, the self. . .Romantic love is not the end-all-be-all form of love that our society makes it out to be. Aromanticism challenges societal norms that prioritize romantic relationships and offers a valid and fulfilling way of connecting with others on different levels.

If you aren’t sure whether you identify as an aromantic, this website is a great place to learn more. As always, if you want more support around your sexuality, as a Bay Area sex therapist, sexologist, and psychologist, I’m available to work with you. Reach out to me if you’re interested.