Bay Area Sex Therapist Reveals How Trauma Shapes Our Need for Connection
By: Dr. Denise Renye
We’re entering the time of year when more and more focus is placed on couples – hooking up for Halloween, having a boo for Thanksgiving, and of course, the slew of holiday movies that push an idealized version of romance. In my practice as a Bay Area sex therapist, I’ve seen that this time of year can stir up lots of feelings for people who are currently single, including the fear of being alone.
Three small pumpkins in shades of orange and green, representing the autumn season, cozy gatherings, and the emotional themes of love and connection during the holidays.
What’s underneath the fear of being alone? For some, the deep-seated belief is if they aren’t coupled up, they aren’t truly loved. It’s understandable because our society overemphasizes romantic love and neglects the other sorts of love from friends, family, and community. People who carry this fear may feel emotional distress and isolation, as if everyone else is in a super special secret club they’re not a part of. It’s painful to feel like an outsider no matter the situation.
As a Bay Area sex therapist and psychologist, I see how this fear of being alone is often linked to unresolved trauma. It’s not uncommon for people to have attachment wounding whereby their primary caregiver was not available in ways they needed. As a coping strategy, some people start to fantasize about having someone go through life’s challenges with them. They’re looking for a partner to give them what they didn’t get growing up: stability, comfort, safety, and perhaps a consistent feeling of being loved.
In this way, a person who is scared of being alone seeks someone else to help fill the emotional gaps left by past experiences, whether that was as a child or an adult. They may find it challenging to be alone, to feel secure in their own presence, and thus seek external validation through relationships. Inevitably though, the external relationship doesn’t hold up to the idealized fantasy and the person is left disappointed. They may continue seeking a “perfect” partner or stay in a dysfunctional relationship for complex reasons.
As a Bay Area sexologist and psychologist, I have nothing but compassion for people who find themselves in these situations. It’s incredibly difficult to unwind the knot of trauma and process these fears, especially when it seems like the solution is just to couple up. However, that doesn’t address the root cause, or help the inner child because really what that wounded self is looking for is a parent. That scared part wants someone to be with them all the time to love them and take care of them. Even the best partners are only capable of so much because they, too, are human.
For people who are scared of being alone, there is hope and it starts with healing the inner child. I wrote a book devoted to inner child healing. You’ll be guided through a process of healing that scared and lonely part but it’s important to note that books can only do so much. The wounding happened in relationship and the healing will also happen in relationship. That’s why I say therapy isn’t just navel-gazing -- for some, a therapist is the first or perhaps only secure attachment figure in their lives. A therapist is someone who can be counted on, a person clients can express their innermost thoughts to, who holds space for feelings and processing feelings without shame, blame, or judgment.
It's a powerful and healing container not only for people who have a fear of being alone but for anyone who finds themselves repeating patterns that aren’t working for them. I would be honored to work with you if you feel called. Contact me if that’s something you’re interested in. And just know, healing is possible if that’s something you desire. May you find it now.