Are More Men Scared of Intimacy Than Women?

By: Dr. Denise Renye

In my post on the fear of intimacy, a reader commented, “It’s interesting that you used a woman as an example of someone overcoming the fear of intimacy. Is that rare? Aren’t more men scared of intimacy than women?” In my work as a Marin County sex therapist and psychologist, I’ve seen that all genders can be scared of intimacy but the perception that more men are afflicted is an outcropping of patriarchy.

Patriarchy is a system that gives men power and takes power away from women, nonbinary folx, and “girly” men. In other words, men who display what are perceived as “feminine” traits like sensitivity, vulnerability, and care are less valued under patriarchy and discriminated against. From that lens, of course men are portrayed as being more scared of intimacy than women because intimacy requires vulnerability and vulnerability is “weak,” “girly,” and “bad.”

Author of Better Boys, Better Men Andrew Reiner wrote for the New York Times in 2020:

“Time and time again, both gay and heterosexual men I interviewed spoke of a paralyzing fear of appearing ‘weak’ (that was the most common one) or ‘small’ or ‘too insecure’ if they opened up and shared their fears, sadness and need for emotional succor with their love partners. They feared that airing such protected feelings would lead to rejection or abandonment.”

The truth is vulnerability can be scary for everyone across the gender spectrum but yes, men are more conditioned to be leery of opening up because patriarchy tells them to “be strong,” to “keep their emotions bottled up,” “man up,” and more, as we saw in the Reiner quote.

Operating under this model is harmful and doesn’t allow for all people, no matter where they fall on the gender spectrum, to be themselves. All sorts of folx struggle with intimacy, are scared of it, don’t know how to do it, didn’t have good models for it, etc. I see that over and over again in my work as a Marin County sex therapist and psychologist. People can’t be sorted into these categories of, “Men are like this” and “Women are like that.”

As the patriarchy is crumbling and the divine feminine is rising, we’re seeing more public examples of men who are bucking the “traditional” masculine way of being that eschews vulnerability and intimacy. They are challenging the status quo perception of masculinity and that means their partners are forced to confront their own ingrained beliefs as well.

We see this from Reiner who described how in his 20s, one girlfriend was mortified when he cried openly sitting next to her on an airplane. In his 30s, a girlfriend said she wanted to be nurtured when she felt scared or sad but didn’t find it “attractive in a guy” who sought the same. Brené Brown discusses this dynamic in her book Daring Greatly when she writes that most women can’t handle it when men are vulnerable. “In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear, and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust,” she wrote.

The truth is that people are scared of intimacy and we are all learning how to be vulnerable. It’s not a gender issue, it’s a societal issue that stems from patriarchy. And under patriarchy, everyone suffers. The solution is to throw out these gendered stories and to approach people as individuals. Healing comes from focusing on what’s true for you, not what you think should be true for you. It also helps when you work with a therapist who views you as the individual you are.

If you’d like to work together on sex therapy, depth psychotherapy, or holistic coaching, reach out to me. 

Reference

Reiner, Andrew. “It’s Not Only Women Who Want More Intimacy in Relationships.” The New

     York Times. October 6, 2020. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/10/06/well/family/men-intimacy-relationships.html.