Online Sex Therapist Reveals Importance of Inner Child Work to Rewire Attachment
By: Dr. Denise Renye
As an online sex therapist, I’ve witnessed that inner child work and attachment styles are deeply intertwined. Our early attachment experiences—how we bonded (or struggled to bond) with caregivers—shape the emotional blueprint we carry into adulthood. When those early bonds were secure, we internalized a sense of safety and worth. But when they were marked by inconsistency, neglect, or enmeshment, our inner child may have developed protective strategies that now show up as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment patterns in relationships. Let’s get into those patterns a little more.
First, let’s talk about attachment theory (which is not so much a “theory” anymore but rather a science). It was developed by British psychoanalyst and psychiatrist John Bowlby. He believed that forming attachments was a survival mechanism and babies who stayed close to their caregivers were more likely to survive. He observed that children form an internal working model of relationships based on their caregiver’s availability and responsiveness. And that disruptions in early attachments (like separation, neglect, or abuse) can lead to emotional and behavioral problems later in life.
Canadian-American developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s ideas through direct observation and research, most famously via “The Strange Situation Study” in 1978. She created a controlled lab experiment to observe how infants (12–18 months old) respond to separations and reunions with their caregivers.
In the experiment, the baby and caregiver were introduced to a playroom and went through a series of steps:
Caregiver and baby play alone.
A stranger enters and talks to the caregiver.
The caregiver leaves the baby with the stranger (separation).
The caregiver returns (reunion).
The stranger leaves.
The caregiver leaves baby alone again.
The stranger returns.
The caregiver returns.
The infant’s reaction to separation and reunion is where Ainsworth identified the three main attachment styles (a fourth was added later by researchers):
· Secure Attachment: The child is distressed when the caregiver leaves and is quickly comforted when they return. The caregiver is responsive, available, and the child feels safe exploring the world, knowing they have a "secure base." Adults with secure attachment are trusting, open, and emotionally available in relationships. Earned secure attachment is possible. More on that in another blog.
· Insecure-Avoidant: The child shows little distress when the caregiver leaves and avoids the caregiver when they return. The caregiver is emotionally unavailable or dismissive so the child learns to suppress their attachment needs. As adults, avoidants value independence and often struggle with intimacy.
Insecure-Anxious (Ambivalent): The child is extremely distressed when the caregiver leaves and is not easily comforted when they return. The child clings and resists comfort at the same time. As adults, anxiously attached people crave closeness, fear rejection, and can be overly dependent to the point of codependence.
Disorganized: This attachment style is linked to trauma or abuse. The child experiences the caregiver as both a source of comfort and fear. As adults, people with disorganized attachment have chaotic or fearful-avoidant relationships.
These patterns don’t simply vanish because we grow up—they linger and influence how we handle conflict, how we express love and affection, whether we feel safe depending on others, and how we cope with emotional closeness or distance. Inner child work invites us to revisit those early wounds with compassion and curiosity, not to blame, but to better understand the roots of our patterns and begin to reparent ourselves in ways that foster healing and secure connection.
Reparenting is a multifaceted, multilayered process with more constantly being revealed. Just as childrearing is not a one-day thing, neither is reparenting yourself. You may be in therapy for years and discover an unhealed emotional wound. That’s because wounds reveal themselves when there’s enough safety present to tend them. You may not have been ready before to see things like how emotionally immature your actual caregivers were, or that being spanked did, in fact, harm you.
Engaging in inner child work allows us to identify the unmet needs that still echo through our adult relationships. This could be something like feeling seen, heard, or respected. These needs could also be something else. By listening to the voice of the inner child—often hidden beneath layers of defensiveness, perfectionism, or people-pleasing—we can begin to honor our emotional truths and offer ourselves the nurturance we long for.
As an online sex therapist and someone who offers couples counseling, I’ve seen oftentimes a source of relational conflict is when people ask their partners to play the role of parent and provide them something the person must give themselves. It’s so tempting to ask someone else to fix/heal/comfort us and give us the things we didn’t get growing up, but you are the only person who has the inside track to what you need. That means you must be your own inner loving parent.
As you take responsibility for yourself and do inner child work, the grip of attachment wounds softens and this gives you space to show up more authentically in relationships. You can then make choices from a grounded place rather than from fear or old survival strategies. When we tend to the inner child, we not only create a more secure foundation within ourselves, but we also open the door to deeper intimacy with others.
I am soon releasing an inner child course that you can do at your own pace. More on that soon. You don’t have to continue playing out your early childhood experiences in your relationships. With gentleness, care, and attention, you can enact a new way of being that is healthier, more fulfilling, and honors the entirety of who you are. If you’d like support with this process via one-on-one care, schedule an appointment.