The Problem with the Word Foreplay, A Sexologist’s Opinion

By Dr. Denise Renye

It starts with a glance that blossoms into a deeper, longer gaze followed by an intentional kiss and exploration of bodies. Playful and sensual, unfolding like a beautifully written poem.  The energy of the moment is to be followed and discovered together by the lovers but cannot be forced or preplanned. A pat and contrived sexual and sensual experience is no fun for anyone. 

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Discussing potential scenes, likes, dislikes, hopes and desires is recommended for a healthy and satisfying connection, regardless of relationship status. But once the musts, have-tos, and any other rigid approaches to sex play occur, flow ceases and, along with embodied pleasure, it goes right out of the window.

As an aside, everything from casual hook-up sex to committed monogamous has room for communication as a way to increase safety, pleasure, and fun. Pleasure and anxiety cannot coexist so remember when you are playing, if anxiety is up, voice it to your partner(s) so you can move through it. If voicing it isn’t safe, neither is playing with this person. You can always shut down a scene anytime. Yes, even midway!

Historically, foreplay has been an heterosexual relationship concern. Traditionally, men assume they have to do this/these act(s) known as foreplay (digital stim, oral stim, etc.) in order to really get to “it” (intercourse). This way of thinking and being assumes a difference between foreplay and intercourse. And unless ass play is part of your scene, assumptions just make you an ass. 

Let me break down the top 3 assumptions of foreplay for you and why you need to consider changing your use of that word in your love and sex life. 

1) The word itself assumes there is a before 

Foreplay, broken down, means an act that occurs prior to some sort of fun, or play. The fun, in this case, is assumed to be intercourse. It assumes the fun has not already begun. But, boy oh boy, if looks and energy are being exchanged and consensual touching is resulting in pleasure, I hold the stance that the fun has certainly gotten underway, my friends. The word foreplay assumes a viewpoint of ‘let’s get this “play stuff” outta the way so we can get to the real deal (intercourse).’ The real deal is the whole deal: glancing, gazing, touching, talking, and even fantasy exploration.

2) The word assumes heteronormativity

The idea of foreplay highlights the idea that the main course is inter(course). The way of thinking discounts the fact that digital, oral and any other way of experiencing pleasure with a lover is not sex. Sex is a mere three letters of a larger word, sexuality. While sex can be assumed to include intercourse, we also must understand that all the play (before, during, after, instead of, etc.) to be sex. Foreplay assumes the grand finale is one of penis and vagina. What if there is no one penis, one vagina scenario going on?

Having an explanded understanding of what sex is can be attributed to the queer community. When intercourse isn’t even on the table, how would the fore-play concept even logically make sense? Furthermore, while the concept of foreplay leaves out (and discriminates against) a log of queer folx, it also leaves out persons with disabilities who may not have the capacity for anatomical penetration, as well as those who just plain prefer outercourse.

3) There’s an assumptions that playing that comes first and then there’s work to be done

This one is also known as pleasure oriented vs. goal oriented. The word strengthens the misconception that sex is a goal-oriented activity. The assumed goal? Orgasm and/or ejaculation. Now you might be thinking,”I love orgasming and that’s the point of having sex, right?” No, not right. I’m going to invite you to think differently. Orgasm and/or ejaculation are amazing sensational and pleasurable potential parts of sex, not the goal. In a pleasure-oriented way of viewing and understanding sex, orgasms and/or ejaculations are an effortless by product of the play, and they occur as a natural progression of the encounter or experience. 

Calling, texting, holding hands, talking over tea or a glass of wine, caressing, admiring, stroking, massaging, tickling, kissing lips and necks and arms and bellies and inner thighs are all forms of play (fore and beyond). Sex is no linear. It doesn’t start with kissing and then progress to “foreplay”, then intercourse. It could go from talking to kissing to talking to hand holding to caressing to massaging to intercourse (if applicable and desired) to massaging to stroking, etc.

The bedroom (and relationship!) isn’t a place for shoulds or instruction manuals. It’s a place for sensual fun and exploration of desires, wants and needs. It’s a playground, not a foreplayground. Have fun and ditch the guidebook!

For ideas and ways to stay connected to and learn more about the unconscious through the body, feel free to stay connected.