Self, Honesty and Cultivating the Life you Desire
By Dr. Denise Renye
A friend and colleague recently proposed a question to me. This is a variation of it: What would it be like if we embraced our desires and honestly made space for them and all of the feelings that came up around and through them? And further: What would it be like if we lived life from this space?
This was a very intriguing idea for me. This is what I strive for both personally and professionally. And it’s a surprisingly tall order. Having integrity via honesty with oneself is next level. Having it with others is even more so beyond that! These are most likely one of the most challenging human experiences to actually live in practice. I purposefully use the word practice because it is something that will inevitably involve a great deal of mistakes, self compassion and self forgiveness as well as a sense of self encouragement in order to continue trying and practicing.
As I work with clients that entrust me with some of their deepest and most intimate secrets and aspects of their hearts, souls, minds and behavioral manifestations thereof, I see that even though they would like to live in alignment with their truths, this is not how they were taught to live. Most of us weren’t! That was a dense concept and an awkward sentence. Let me see if I can break that down.
Lack of honesty and lack of connection (true connection and acknowledgment) of one’s desires can be traced back to a yearning to stay safe, to protect the constructed self. This is a way to stay small and within the societal constructs we have all learned to operate within. Self protection is a part of everyone’s lives. This is a bold statement but I do believe it to be true. We all attempt to protect ourselves and not be too vulnerable for a wide variety of reasons. All of these reasons are our (unconscious) attempts at self preservation. If we don’t have the preservation of what we know and understand as our self, then we are left with uncertainty. And...if you read the blog entry I wrote on uncertainty, it can be severely uncomfortable and not something that we seek, embrace, and happily work through. We would like to preserve our self that we have come to develop and know over our lifetime. Seemingly, it’s real and tangible. But we forget that it’s actually tenuous because it’s ever-changing...because we are all ever-changing.
Enter honesty.
If you were honest with yourself right in this very moment, what are the feelings and thoughts that arise for you? Do you have confidence that you have the internal and external tools to tolerate all of the feelings that may come up? What about the behaviors that you may engage in because of what came up for you?
Speaking your truth to someone else is risky. There may be rejection...or worse...overwhelming feelings of fear of rejection! Why is rejection so terrible? Because it stems from vulnerability and it is typically tied into an idea of wanting a certain outcome one way or another. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. And, perhaps most importantly, it may lead to feelings of disappointment or loneliness.
So, many people deny their desires. It’s seemingly easier. But it’s only easier because it’s what they have done for so long. It’s actually quite a challenge and can be downright exhausting. It takes a lot of work to keep natural desires hidden in the shadows. But they seep out one way or another. And the freedom that can be experienced by unabashedly embracing them is very powerful. Note: unabashedly embracing one’s desires does not mean doing anything about them. It may but that’s a choice after the desire is acknowledged. A great feat in and of itself is just acknowledging.
Reflection exercise suggestion:
Set aside 5-10 minutes and grab your journal. Write out answers to the following:
What if I allowed myself honest access to my desires within?
How would my life be different if I were able to acknowledge my desires and pause before taking action?
What does having the choice to live my life with a sense of internal freedom mean to me?
What are some ways in which I may make myself small in life?
Am I willing to let them go?
For ideas and ways to stay connected to and learn more about the unconscious through the body, feel free to stay connected.