Texting Exes, Mask Protesters Galore, and More: Boundaries during COVID-19

By Dr. Denise Renye

During this period of uncertainty and limited physical contact it’s natural to crave comfort and intimacy. How that’s expressing for several of my patients, clients, and students is hearing from people in their past – ex-partners, but also old friends and family members, some of whom they haven’t had much contact with in recent years. In fact, around one in five people have reached out to an ex while in quarantine, according to new research conducted by The Kinsey Institute.

Human beings are social creatures and we all have a need for connection so it makes perfect sense that right now with this pandemic we’re remembering old times, including those with ex-partners. Thinking about then and reaching out to them can, in part, meet the need for connection. Also, because you already know what you’ll get with someone from your past, that creates a feeling of familiarity and predictability, which can be a balm during this uncertain time. And a person may have a fantasy that they’ll be “saved” if they reach out – it’s a way of soothing themselves.

Other reasons people are reaching out to people from their past? Boredom, not to mention the desire for sex (in the case of ex-partners). The needs a person had before the pandemic haven’t suddenly disappeared and that includes sex and connection. However, the avenues for meeting those needs have shrunk: Getting coffee with someone new, going dancing, speed dating, etc. are not available right now except through a computer screen. Because of limited choices, it’s easier to retread a familiar path by contacting an ex.

Some people may be considering reconnecting with an ex, but is it really the time for delving into the past from a space of loneliness or fear? What’s driving them (or you) to reach out, or perhaps contemplate reconnecting? Is it anxiety or discomfort? If so, perhaps hold off until after we’re no longer in quarantine. That’s easier said than done, of course. To work through the feelings that come up spurring you to reach out to someone you used to be with in intimate connection, you can try breathing. The feelings underneath this urge are important. They can also be processed with the help of a well-trained therapist. When you’re in a more mentally secure state, that’s the time to ponder major decisions. A way to move closer to that place is by practicing self-care.

Boredom, distress, and a desire to meet unfulfilled needs may be prompting a person to reach out, yes, but it’s also true people are reaching out because they genuinely care about one another, which is understandable. We’re all living through a crisis so we do want to know how people we care about are faring. It’s important to keep in mind though boundaries still apply. If your ex-partner is dating someone new, or married, reaching out could create more stress. If the breakup was messy or your partner asked not to be in contact, reaching out would be a violation of that person’s boundaries. Yes, we’re all living through a pandemic, but that doesn’t mean boundaries are to be ignored.

If an ex, or anyone from your past, reaches out and you don’t want to respond, you don’t have to. You are free to decide when and how you communicate with someone. This is the case whether a pandemic is occurring or not. Setting that boundary for yourself is a form of protection that signals what sort of behavior you will accept from others and what you will not.

How do you identify your boundaries?

How do you identify your boundaries? A good clue comes from feelings. Are you uncomfortable, resentful, stressed, anxious, or fearful? All signs that perhaps your boundaries have been crossed. When boundaries are set and adhered to, people feel comfortable, safe, and relaxed. However, I want to acknowledge it can be hard to set boundaries! Oftentimes people feel unable to set boundaries because they’re scared – scared of abandonment, scared of being judged, and also scared of hurting someone’s feelings. Those are all valid feelings. Now is the time for healthy self-care. This is the time to take care of you. This is the time for your adult self to see what the needs are of the inner child and to tenderly address them. If you don’t take care of yourself, who will? You must put yourself first, even now, or perhaps especially now.

Your needs matter and you have a choice in what you say no to and what you say yes to. That could be not only in your relationships, but also with society in general and with the planet. This quarantine could yield information on how we need to take radical care of ourselves by creating boundaries. Doing so is a service to ourselves, each other, and the planet.

It’s important to mention here boundaries are a two-way street. Other people also have their boundaries and we are all learning to cooperate with each other. We’re seeing a lot of that with this pandemic. Protesters in Michigan and other states want to reopen the economy and put others at risk of contracting COVID-19. In fact, one protester in North Carolina tested positive for the virus and still plans to continue attending protests! That’s violating the boundaries of people who are concerned about developing COVID-19.

On the flip side, if you talk to the mask protesters, they are saying their boundaries are being violated because the government is impinging on their personal freedoms and choice. They are asserting their right to be out in public and move freely. However, I think their boundaries are coming from a place of fear, primarily of being controlled. And in that space, people feel boxed in and they lash out. Making a boundary from a place of fear is very different than making a boundary from a centered place. When a person has sat with themselves and/or a therapist (or highly trained coach), they are better able to see their true needs and set boundaries that come from love, not fear.

A way to set boundaries is to start simple, with the breath. Breathing in, I notice air (oxygen) crossing a boundary passing my nostrils, sinuses, and down into the depths of my lungs. Breathing out, I notice air (CO2) exiting my body.

Another way to notice and be aware of boundaries is with the intake of food and drink. Anytime we eat or drink anything, we are negotiating physical boundaries with ourselves. Food or drink crosses over the boundary of our mouth.

I use these two basic examples to give you a simple and universal place to start with the creation of boundaries. From there, it may be easier to see your boundaries in regards to who you let into your field, psyche, heart, and life. You get to decide if you pick up the phone or not. You get to decide to respond to a text or email, or not. You ultimately get to decide if you wear a face mask, attend a protest, or choose to spend time around others. I understand that financial needs are dictating a lot of the political underpinnings of the current state of affairs regarding the return to work, however, the consideration of boundaries is always present as a tool for you to practice with. And it is a practice – setting boundaries takes time and patience, but it does get easier. One thing’s for sure, this pandemic is giving us ample opportunity to practice! 

 For ideas and ways to stay connected to and learn more about the unconscious through the body, feel free to stay connected.

References

Camins, Stephanie. “Setting Emotional Boundaries in Relationships.” Road to Growth Counseling. https://roadtogrowthcounseling.com/importance-boundaries-relationships/

Fetters, Ashley. “The Boomerang Exes of Quarantine: Sometimes social distance can lead to unexpected contact.” The Atlantic. April 16, 2020. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/04/why-exes-are-reconnecting-coronavirus-quarantine/610081/

Gulino, Elizabeth. “1 In 5 People Admit To Texting Their Ex During Quarantine.” Refinery29. May 7, 2020. https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2020/05/9789676/text-ex-coronavirus-quarantine

Lehmiller, Justin. “Have You Reached Out to or Heard From an Ex During the Pandemic? You're Not Alone.” Lehmiller.com. May 6, 2020. https://www.lehmiller.com/blog/2020/5/6/have-you-reached-out-to-or-heard-from-an-ex-during-the-pandemic-youre-not-alone

Riotta, Chris. “Lockdown protest leader who tested positive for coronavirus vows to attend upcoming rallies.” The Independent. April 28, 2020. https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/coronavirus-lockdown-protest-leader-audrey-whitlock-north-carolina-test-positive-covid-19-a9488396.html

Weiss, Susannah. “Why the coronavirus pandemic is making you miss your ex, according to a psychologist.” Insider.com. April 30, 2020. https://www.insider.com/why-coronavirus-pandemic-is-making-you-miss-your-ex-psychologist-2020-4