Where's Your Daddy?

By: Dr. Denise Renye

I saw an Instagram post recently from The Feminist Vibe that said, “Isn’t it weird how ‘daddy issues’ became an insult to women when it’s men who fail as fathers.” Yes! We blame women instead of focusing on where the problem actually lies: their fathers.

“Daddy issues” is a phrase used to disparage women who may exhibit a plethora of behaviors that indicate her father was not present in the way she needed him to be: physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, or a mix of any of these. It’s not an official diagnosis and instead is a catchall used to denigrate women and their behaviors. If she’s “clingy” or “cold,” attracted to older men or younger men, etc., people may accuse her of having daddy issues. There is no set personality type or behavior associated with “daddy issues.” Instead, it’s a common insult that is applied to a wide range of behaviors a given woman may exhibit. .

And, it’s also true the woman may indeed have a challenging relationship with her father because he wasn’t around in ways that would have bolstered her self-esteem and self-worth. She may have an insecure attachment style because her needs were not met on a consistent basis by her caregiver(s). This can look like feeling anxious that her partner will leave her or that she’ll do something wrong to “push them away.” She will crave closeness and intimacy while also seeking reassurance that the relationship is OK. Insecure attachment can also look like the reverse – craving intimacy but being scared of it. When she moves toward closeness with a partner, she will pull back because she’s scared of being hurt. She may also avoid intimacy altogether because it feels too threatening.

Insecure attachment is not relegated to romance – it can also show up in friendships. Having an absent or inconsistent caregiver affects every part of a person’s life – from how confident they feel to the type of people they surround themselves with. That cuts across the gender continuum, by the way; all people can (and do) develop insecure attachment, yet “daddy issues” is more often tossed around regarding women. It’s another example of patriarchy (the social system in which men hold more power than women and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege, and control of property).

It’s patriarchal because it essentially blames a woman for something that stemmed from the caregiving that was not provided to her. It is a systemic problem that is only half described and explored. It’s the same thing that shows up with sexual assault whenever women are asked, “What were you wearing?” or “Why were you out so late walking alone?” These are not relevant questions because they imply the woman is at fault for enticing the man. She is not. The man is at fault for assaulting the woman just like the man is at fault for giving a woman “daddy issues.” Yet, we talk more about what the woman should do to heal herself. However, that’s not really putting the onus where it belongs, is it?

Everybody must take responsibility for themselves and their own lives of course, especially as adults, but let’s not give more weight to the women. It’s time to bring men into the equation and recognize the daddy in “daddy issues.”  

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