Bringing Consciousness Back into the Bedroom

By: Dr. Denise Renye

It’s not uncommon for couples to fall into a lackluster and boring pattern with their sex life. The monotony, it can be a challenge for anyone and especially so in sex. It could be a certain sex position (missionary, for instance), or that sex falls on a particular day of the week or year – like always having sex on your anniversary or birthday. But is that routine something intentionally communicated or did you just happen to fall into it? Are both parties on board with that plan or is one person left wondering why there isn’t more affection?

What can happen with sex among couples is one person is experiencing more pleasure and the other person is just going along for the ride, if you’ll pardon the pun. That’s why there are so many “jokes” wherein one partner, typically the woman if it’s a heterosexual relationship, is encouraged to, “Lie back and think of England,” or in cartoons, has a thought bubble with the grocery list running through her mind during sex. While there are numerous anecdotes about this sort of behavior when it comes to heterosexual sex, any couple regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity can fall into a sex rut or a sexual desire mismatch.

It’s all too common for sex to become mundane and lacking in pleasure. When this happens, the typical course of action is for people to start seeking sex elsewhere. It’s hard to be honest in this world. It’s hard to be honest by way of a conversation saying that the person’s sexual interest has waned or they’ve lost it. So, they seek attention with someone new (or familiar from the office, perhaps). The reasons for cheating are complicated, but two reasons are, “My partner and I stopped having sex,” and “My partner stopped paying attention to me,” according to the General Social Survey.

The numbers vary depending on the source, but the General Social Survey says 20% of men and 13% of women cheat. The LA Intelligence Detective Agency found 30-60% of married couples cheat at least once in their marriage and that a much higher percentage – 74% of men and 68% of women – would cheat if there was a guarantee they wouldn’t get caught. Also, the pandemic is exacerbating things. A dating site for married individuals has been adding 17,000 new members per day during the pandemic, which is an increase of 1,500 new members per day from 2019, according to this paper.

All of which is to say people cheat and they lie under the guise of “doing the right thing” by having a traditional relationship when they might be happier if they were openly polyamorous instead of sneaking around. The Judeo-Christian values this country was “founded on” forbid cheating, but in actuality, cheating and stealing (land and people’s dignity) is precisely how the U.S. was founded and that’s what we see reflected in the societal expression of relationships.

They key question here is, “What’s communication like?” Are both people in the couple talking about sex? What they like, what they don’t, how frequently they want to have it? Or is sex filled with assumptions and expectations? If it’s the latter, that’s the recipe for an unsatisfying sexual encounter.  And yet not many of us have been taught the skills to learn how to have these integral conversations. Instead, melting into the taboo of cheating is the way many folx still proceed.

It's important to bring consciousness to when and how sexualness is expressed so that all parties can mindfully decide what's good for them.  

To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sexologist), click here.

References

Gordon, Kristina Coop; Mitchell, Erica. “Infidelity in the Time of Covid-19.” Family Process. July 3, 2020. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/famp.12576 

LA Intelligence Detective Agency. “Infidelity: The Cold Hard Truth About Cheating.” March 10, 2021. https://laintelligence.com/infidelity-the-cold-hard-truth-about-cheating/

Wang, Wendy. “Who Cheats More? The Demographics of Infidelity in America.” Institute for Family Studies. January 10, 2018. https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america