How to Strengthen the Couple Bond

By: Dr. Denise Renye

There are numerous ingredients involved in creating a healthy relationship dynamic. There is an art and a science to beautiful and successful unions. Coming together as a couple as two whole people is essential. One of the ingredients is space carved out between a couple for each person to maintain some autonomy. Another is honoring the bond between the couple. A way to honor that bond is to talk about what’s OK inside and outside the relationship.

How much space does the couple want within the relationship itself? I see many couples in my private practice and often use the metaphor of a house to describe a relationship. Houses have a number of doors and windows. Each couple gets to decide how open and closed the windows and doors are for each person to feel safe in the relationship.

A traditional monogamous relationship would keep all the metaphorical windows and doors closed, or at least have that appearance from the outside. The reality is, a portion of these monogamous relationships have a sneaky side door that only one partner knows about and they enter and exit without their partner’s knowledge. That constitutes cheating. As I wrote about previously, the General Social Survey says 20% of men and 13% of women cheat. The LA Intelligence Detective Agency found 30-60% of married couples cheat at least once in their marriage and that a much higher percentage – 74% of men and 68% of women – would cheat if there was a guarantee they wouldn’t get caught.

Cheating happens for a variety of reasons, but one way to not cheat is by agreeing on the space within the relationship in advance. Meaning, what is acceptable for the couple and what is not? For some couples, that means light flirting, watching porn, and fantasizing about sex with someone else is fine whereas for others, that constitutes cheating.

For couples that want more freedom in their relationship, they can be “monogamish,” a term coined by relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage, who shared he and his long-term partner are committed to each other but can have sex with others. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to being monogamish: For some couples that means kissing is allowed but nothing else. For others, one-night stands are OK, or sexual adventures when traveling. Still others are allowed to regularly have sex with other people but “don’t ask, don’t tell.”

Whatever the relationship agreement, it must be discussed in advance to build a strong bond. It’s a topic that must be on the table throughout he relationship as people change and it is not correct to assume what someone wanted in the past is what they want now. No one wants to be cheated on and no one wants to fight with their partner about how pissed they are the other person flirted with the cute barista. Communicate the boundaries of the relationship so that the relationship is safe and the couple bond can be honored.

Another way to honor the couple bond is through baby talk. I know, if you overhear someone calling their partner sweetie pie or honey bear, you might throw up a little in your mouth, but it turns out this “parentese” creates affection. Parentese includes the use of a high pitch, exaggerated intonation, and a soft voice and makes space for the couple to express themselves in a way that’s free from the routine of adult conversations, according to this article.

To the couple, baby talk and pet names are a sign of their bond and signifies a boundary that sets them apart from everyone else. Pet names also signal greater relationship satisfaction among couples, a study from 1993 found.

Respect your relationship by talking about it and throw in a little “honey pie” every now and again.

To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sexologist), click here.

References

Bruess, Carol; Pearson, Judy. “`Sweet Pea’ and `Pussy Cat’: An Examination of Idiom Use and Marital Satisfaction Over the Life Cycle.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 1993; Vol. 10:4, pp. 609-615. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407593104009  

Kaipa, Ramesh. “Why do couples use baby talk with one another?” The Conversation. December 3, 2021. https://theconversation.com/why-do-couples-use-baby-talk-with-one-another-171361