No, Obsession is Not 'Romantic'
By: Dr. Denise Renye
Our society has a romanticized notion of obsession. We see this in numerous books and movies. For instance, in the book and movie series Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Grey becomes obsessed with Anastasia Steel, lavishing her with gifts and bold declarations of love. He starts to subtly, and not-so-subtly control her.
He tracks her via GPS, shows up repeatedly when she doesn't want him to, literally follows her, doesn't allow her to drive or see her friends, and is obsessed with what she eats, wears, and does. All of this is praised as romantic, passed off as a BDSM relationship and led to rampant commercial success of the series. The books sold more than 150 million copies worldwide by October 2017, according to the LA Times. And the first movie broke numerous box office records, eventually earning nearly $570 million worldwide.
The novels were modeled after another series portraying dangerous and abusive behavior: Twilight. Edward Cullen kidnaps Bella Swan, prohibits her from seeing her friends, and watches her sleep at night. These are signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, not one that should be idealized.
Despite the messages media sends us, obsession is not love. Obsession is a way of maintaining control. This kind of behavior is present not only in abusive relationships, but also in those with people who have narcissistic tendencies, or people who only think about themselves. They aren't considering others' needs, only their own.
If someone requests space and time away from engaging in a conversation, or activity, and the other person will not hear the “no” but instead resorts to taunting, pushing harder, making fun of, or even humiliating, this is abuse. It doesn't show how much they "love" the other person. It's not a display of "passion." It's a major red flag.
In both of the examples I listed above, the obsession progressed into toxic relationships. However, let's say the relationship hasn't gotten that far. Instead, one person is fantasizing about the other without making an initial move. Maybe they've memorized their crush's schedule or coffee drink order. Or they spend time on their crush's social media pages every day to see if they updated them. They know almost everything about their crush but the knowledge doesn't go both ways. This sort of behavior is not about relating directly to the crush and instead about getting a dopamine hit from the fantasy. The crush becomes an object for the person to project their hopes and dreams on without doing the hard work of actually engaging.
That sounds harsh, and maybe a little shaming, but to be clear, I understand people have their reasons for choosing to fantasize rather than pursuing shared reality. Maybe they have a trauma background. Maybe they're scared of intimate partnership. Whatever the reason, it's valid and their choice, until it impedes the object of their fantasized desires. Living in a fantasy world can be harmful to those involved in a myriad of ways. And at the same time, fantasy doesn't allow for deep connection because it can't.
An intimate relationship involves two (or more) people who co-create a shared reality through open communication of needs, desires, and hopes. They actively practice strengthening their couple bond and often experience spiritual growth as a result. A person locked into fantasy and obsession is instead engaging in a solo venture. They aren't connecting with anyone other than themselves because everything takes place in their own minds.
This can be detrimental to the one who is the fantasizer as well as the one who is on the receiving end (and may not even know it). If the people are connected in real life, they are not actually relating but living parallel lives that seem to overlap from the outside but don’t actually relate in a healthy manner. It is a connection that can ultimately feel like a betrayal.
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References
Schaub, Michael. "E.L. James has a new ‘Fifty Shades’: ‘Darker’ from Christian’s point of view." Los Angeles Times. October 10, 2017. https://www.latimes.com/books/jacketcopy/la-et-jc-fifty-shades-darker-20171010-story.html
Box Office Mojo. "Fifty Shades of Grey." Accessed April 20, 2022. https://www.boxofficemojo.com/release/rl3980494337/