Physical Intimacy is More than Sex

By: Dr. Denise Renye

Physical Intimacy is More than Sex

By: Dr. Denise Renye

As a certified sexologist and sex therapist, I seek to support people in having greater satisfaction in their sex lives. Part of that is encouraging folx to view sex differently. Instead of racing toward orgasm, or practicing goal-oriented sex, I invite them to practice pleasure-oriented sex, which means taking the focus off of sex being mostly about procreation. It also takes the focus away from an end result and instead draws attention to the present moment, to cultivating pleasure with or without an orgasm. Sure, orgasms are great, but how can you create more pleasure overall, not just at the very end?

The pleasure-oriented approach emphasizes all parts of the sexual encounter, including what has traditionally been called "foreplay," a word I take issue with. Historically, foreplay has been a heterosexual relationship concern. Often, men assume they have to do this/these act(s) known as foreplay (digital stim, oral stim, etc.) in order to really get to “it” (intercourse). When this happens, there's an expectation with sensual acts, like kissing, and it becomes performative. When the sensual activity is divorced from sexual intercourse, or in other words when the people are kissing just because it's fun, as an example, then arousal/turn on/excitement/interest in connection wanes. 

Sex is a mere three letters of a larger word, sexuality, which is as deep as it is multifaceted. A holistic model I teach often to couples, individuals, and students is the five circles of sexuality developed by Dr. Dennis Dailey in 1981, which is still relevant. The model includes power and sexualization, sensuality, intimacy, sexual identity, and sexual health and reproduction. You can read more about it here.

People focus a lot on the sex circle, but not so much on the others. Making out, being sensual, and massaging one another are all part of the intimacy connection. They are important activities for couples to engage in and need not lead to activities that result in orgasm. In fact, doing them for their own sake is important for longevity and depth in the relationship. That's also backed up by research.

In 2009, researchers randomly assigned 52 adults to either kiss their partners more often or maintain the status quo for six weeks. After the trial, the experimental group showed decreased cholesterol numbers and also generally perceived themselves to be less stressed out. The kissing couples also reported higher relationship satisfaction than the control group.

Something else happens with kissing: the act releases oxytocin, the "love hormone." Oxytocin fosters a sense of closeness and attachment with the person you kiss. Kissing also releases dopamine, which is a hormone that's linked to feelings of craving and desire.

There are numerous ways to create physical intimacy with your partner and let's not overvalue sexual intercourse. Society does that enough for us and hasn't received the message there's pleasure to be had from kissing, sensuality, and massage on their own.   

To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sexologist), click here.

Reference

Floyd, Kory; Boren, Justin P.; Hannawa, Annegret F., et al. "Kissing in Marital and Cohabiting Relationships: Effects on Blood Lipids, Stress, and Relationship Satisfaction." Western Journal of Communication. April 2009, Vol. 73:2, pp. 113-133. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10570310902856071