How to Work with Judgment

By: Dr. Denise Renye

We live in a society that culturally conditions us to be judgmental about ourselves and others. Magazines have spreads about "Who Wore it Better?" that compare the same outfit on two different people. There are "hot or not" lists. The beauty and diet industry are ruthless judges that constantly tell people there's something wrong with them: their teeth are too yellow, their butts are too big, not big enough, their jeans are too ripped, not ripped enough, etc. I could fill pages upon pages with the various judgments spewed out via advertising.

Those messages that media sends to us, that our families and friends parrot, become second nature so we no longer stop to question the judgment. They become much deeper judgments than those about jeans or body parts. We begin to internalize them and they wear on our self-esteem. And they begin to condition us and how we are in the world. The inner judge or inner critic is running the show without any conscious awareness that the voice may be wrong. Instead, the person may believe there is something about them that requires fixing: their eyelashes, their stomach, their creative way of thinking, their wrinkles, and then they buy something to fix that "problem."

Judgment goes well beyond the physical. It's also judgment about words, behaviors, beliefs, others, and the self. It's an internal dialogue like, "I can't believe I said that. I should have kept my mouth shut." "Why did I make that decision? It was so stupid." Comments like those illustrate the binary nature of judgment: there's right and wrong with nothing in between. So often, the judge or inner critic will find you in the wrong.

That barrage of negativity can stifle growth and impede inner work if left unchecked. How do you work through judgment? Particularly in the throes of a judging streak? By using the breath and the body. When the folx I work with are struggling with judgment, I give them yoga poses, like child's pose, and advise them to let go of tension by using this PDF.

If you're unfamiliar with child's pose, the steps are as follows:

1.     Get on your hands and knees.

2.     Spread your knees as wide as your mat but keep the tops of your feet on the floor with the big toes touching.

3.     Rest your belly between your thighs and touch your forehead to the floor. Relax your shoulders, jaw, and eyes. If it's not comfortable to place your forehead on the floor, rest it on a block or two stacked fists.

4.     In terms of your arms, there are several options. You can stretch them in front of you with your palms toward the floor or bring your arms back alongside your thighs with the palms facing upwards. If it feels better, you can stretch your arms forward with your palms facing up for a shoulder release or try bending the elbows so the palms touch and the thumbs rest at the back of your neck.

5.     Stay as long as you like while connecting with your breath.

From this calmer, more peaceful place, let the judgment pass like a cloud in the sky. Surrender it. If it feels right, get curious about the judgment. Where did it come from? How do you know it's true? Sometimes, judgment can shift when you realize you don't buy into the things society says are wrong with you.

Maybe you can identify that it is the voice of your mother, grandmother, or another family member. Perhaps it is part of intergenerational trauma that you are working to break the pattern of via  inner work. . Maybe you like your crooked nose because it adds character to your face. Or you enjoy your wrinkles because it's a testament to your age and stage of life, which not everyone is privileged to achieve. And maybe you celebrate the unique way in which you have created and are living your life that is different from most people that you know.

Whatever you're judging yourself about, it's worth it to ask if maybe the judge is mistaken and practice accepting yourself as you, right now. You don't have to do it alone, if you look around you might find there are already people in your life who love and accept you without changing a thing. Seek them out and let them shine that love upon you while you learn to do it for yourself.

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