We are More Comfortable Talking about Women’s Pain than Pleasure
By: Dr. Denise Renye
A woman gazes upward in partial shadow, symbolizing introspection and the often-hidden aspects of self-discovery and pleasure in a society more comfortable discussing women's pain than their joy.
As a society, we are more comfortable talking about self-identified women’s pain rather than their pleasure. How many movies and TV shows are littered with depictions of excruciating childbirth (which doesn’t have to just be painful, by the way) but shy away from female masturbation? You might say, “We don’t often show masturbation in general,” but that’s not true.
In the 1990s, male masturbation crept into films as a comedy device – think There’s Something About Mary, American Pie, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – and then became normalized. The same cannot be said for female masturbation. In fact, when writer/director Jamie Babbit’s But I’m a Cheerleader included an act of female masturbation in its original cut, the film received an NC-17 rating. Contrast that with American Pie, also released in 1999, which received an R for male masturbation.
Things are changing with modern shows such as Sex Education, which does a stellar job of focusing on women’s pleasure and covers, well, everything related to sex, but the Netflix series is an anomaly, not the norm.
You already know we have a double standard when it comes to sex. Countless articles have been written about how we expect men to “sow their wild oats” but when women do the same, they’re branded as “sluts” or “whores.” What interests me more though is the byproduct of that double standard, meaning how women’s pleasure makes us uncomfortable. We openly discuss Viagra but squirm mentioning vibrators. This is less true for adult women but in the context of teenage girls, hearing “my mom bought me a vibrator” is shocking in a way that “my dad bought me condoms” is not.
Having a conversation, or conversations about bodies, pleasure, and sexuality overall, and potentially buying a vibrator for your teenage daughter may be something to consider, as cognitive-behavioral coach Dr. Robin Buckley makes clear in her TED talk on the subject. Her daughter opened up about masturbation and Buckley learned she could have injured her body continuing the method in which she was engaging with herself. A vibrator was a much safer option. It wasn’t only about her daughter’s health though. She wants her daughter to experience pleasure, which in this day and age feels revolutionary.
Here's a sobering statistic for you: endometriosis, which is when the normal lining of the uterus grows outside the uterine wall, affects one in 10 women, according to Yale Medicine. However, on average, it will take a person with a uterus TEN YEARS of suffering before they receive that diagnosis. Why? Because the pain is mistaken for menstrual cramps and period pain is “normal.” There’s a certain threshold of pain we expect people with vulvas to endure. This shows up in the bedroom as well.
As I’ve written about previously, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists reports that nearly three out of four women have pain during intercourse at some time during their lives. Sometimes it’s a medical issue, but sometimes it’s not. By learning about her body and what feels good, Buckley’s daughter will be able to communicate what feels good to her if/when she has sex with partners. She won’t tolerate unsatisfying or painful experiences because her normal is pleasure.
We don pink ribbons for Breast Cancer Awareness Month but how many people even know about National Masturbation Month? We make jokes about period cramps and UTIs but how many people mention where they like to purchase vibrators?
One place that I recommend is Good Vibrations, a pioneering sex-positive adult store and educational resource that has helped shape the sexual landscape in San Francisco and beyond. I volunteered at the store myself after completing my master’s program in human sexuality at Widener University near Philadelphia. Someone I came to deeply admire is Carol Queen, the many-years staff sexologist there. Her role was instrumental in fostering a more inclusive, open, and informed dialogue about sexuality. She has been a pioneer in the field of sexology overall creating many offerings, one of which is the creation of the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco.
When pleasure is prioritized, self-identified women are empowered to ask for what they want. They speak up for themselves in the bedroom and the boardroom. That may be uncomfortable at first, but that’s exactly what our society needs.
Journal Prompts
· Reflect on your own intimate experiences and consider how you can prioritize and enhance your partner's pleasure, whether you identify as a man or a woman. What actions or communication strategies can you employ to create a more pleasurable and mutually satisfying experience?
· Imagine a future where men and women alike prioritize women's pleasure in all aspects of life, not just in the context of sex. How might this change interpersonal relationships, professional dynamics, and overall societal well-being? What steps can you take to contribute to this transformative shift?
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References
Buckley, Dr. Robin. “Why I Gave My Teenage Daughter a Vibrator.” YouTube.com. September 28, 2023. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1yJYnCbNHM
Davies, Stacy. “Male Masturbation Squirmed Its Way Into American Film And Television—And Look At Us Now.” OC Weekly. January 4, 2018. https://www.ocweekly.com/male-masturbation-squirmed-its-way-into-american-film-and-television-and-look-at-us-now-8679195/
Yale Medicine. “Endometriosis.” Factsheet. https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/endometriosis#:~:text=On%20average%2C%20women%20in%20the,are%20found%20to%20have%20it. Accessed October 3, 2023.