Take Responsibility for Your Own Boundaries

By: Dr. Denise Renye

A topic that arises frequently in classes and session meetings at Whole Person Integration and Psychology is boundaries.  A boundary is an imaginary line that separates you from another person, place, thing, activity, or process. Boundaries separate you physically from another person, as in the case of a body, but they also demarcate your feelings, needs, and responsibilities from others. Boundaries are enacted by saying “no,” moving away from situations that are not in your best interest, and by learning, knowing, and communicating how you do and don’t want others to treat you.

Boundary-setting may feel difficult or foreign even because many (most) folx didn’t learn boundary setting and maintenance growing up. It’s not uncommon for a person with an addiction or addictive behavior to grow up in an environment where boundaries were not honored. For instance, they may have grown up in a chaotic home where there was no enforced bedtime, or their privacy was invaded by a caregiver reading their personal journal. Oftentimes, food, a substance, or behavior is a way to regain a semblance of control in the person’s life and/or offers an escape from emotions that feel too intense to feel. Something that was occasional becomes more frequent until it becomes an addiction.

Addictions are coping strategies, which means they arise from somewhere, whether that’s inherited family trauma, dysfunction, an inability to process grief and devastating disappointment, an accident, or something else. It’s also frequently the case that a person with an addiction or addictive tendencies comes from a home with untreated trauma or addiction. Many of our patients and clients have expressed family members will call or text multiple times a day and try to enroll them in one drama or another that the family member is actively creating or a part of.

For a person seeking a healthier way of life, getting sucked back into the drama and starting to use their old food/drug/behavior of choice can be very tempting. After all, it’s tried and true. It’s been there for them in ways their family hasn’t. Some people may use the drama as an excuse: “You don’t understand! My sister just broke up with her boyfriend and so, of course, we had to have a girls’ night! And what’s a girl’s night without alcohol and ice cream?”

As any addiction recovery program will tell you, it’s possible to get through the trials and tribulations of life without using your food/drug/substance/behavior of choice. It may feel excruciating to not get high after a breakup, a health diagnosis that feels frightening, or your mother dying, but it is possible. Not everyone desires to give up their drug or behavior, that’s their choice, but if you do want a healthy life that means not giving your power away to others to excuse your own behavior. 

To live a happier, healthier life requires taking radical responsibility for yourself and your boundaries. It means saying, “I hear your pain, but I can’t get drunk with you.” It means understanding when and how you get dysregulated and avoiding that. If you know going to a bar is triggering, you have to stop going there for a while. If certain friends only want to sit around and smoke weed, but you’re trying to quit, it may be too much to spend time with those friends.

We are each responsible for our own actions, no matter how much codependency may be encouraged. When working with folx, we remind them to take responsibility for themselves and do what they need to do to regulate their own nervous systems. That may mean keeping conversations with their mother five minutes long. It could be taking a walk when they want to drink. Maybe it’s texting a friend before and after a meal. Whatever it is, other people cannot be the reason or excuse that you’re not living the life you want to lead. If you’re an adult, it’s time to take your power back and be responsible for yourself and your choices. If you need help with that, we’re here. Just reach out.             

Journal prompts

·      Is there an aspect of my life where I’m giving away my power? If so, where?

·      What can I do to take my power back and become an agent of change?

·      Mantra: “I am not a victim of my life. I trust myself and my choices.” How does it feel to read this?  What shows up in your body as you read this mantra?  Would you be willing to use this mantra in your meditation?

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