Fetish? Kink? What’s the Difference?

By: Dr. Denise Renye

Even though fetishes and kink are described as being outside the “norm” of “traditional” sex, there’s nothing abnormal or dysfunctional about them if there is consent among all participants. In fact, fetishes and kink can help people express themselves creatively, enable healing from trauma, and allow them to integrate parts of themselves they’ve kept at bay. There’s no need to question why someone has a fetish or is in to kink. If it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing. What is a fetish and what is kink? Keep reading.

Fetish vs. Kink

A fetish is a behavior that someone cannot get sexually aroused without. For instance, a foot fetish (which is extremely common), involves a desire to worship feet through massage, kissing, and smelling. It means the person can only get sexually aroused if feet are involved. However, it’s more likely the person has more than one fetish so they get off not only by feet, but also perhaps lingerie and impact play (e.g., spanking).

There is nothing dysfunctional or abnormal about any fetish play, as long as there is consent between participants. The same goes for kink, which is an activity or behavior someone enjoys that goes outside the bounds of “traditional,” or “vanilla” sex. A person may get incredibly turned on by a kink, but not necessarily need it to get off. If they do, it becomes a fetish. Fetishes may be kink, but not all kinks are fetishes.

Again, when engaging in any sort of sexual activity, consent, safety, and comfort are paramount. Any sort of play that is not consensual and explicitly talked about is abuse. I’ve listed some common kinks below, but for a more complete list, check out this article in Allure where I’m quoted.  

Impact Play

Impact play is what it sounds like – spanking, flogging, paddling, and other forms of consensual striking. Prepare for impact play in advance: discuss the level of intensity (how firm or gentle you want the impact to be), identify a safe word to shut down the activity immediately if and when desired, and learn what parts of the body are safe to strike. I suggest the meatier areas like the butt and thighs and recommend avoiding less-protected areas like the low back. Also, start slow – use your hand before investing in play toys like a paddle.

Age Play

Age play typically involves a “little” and a “big.” The power exchange between adults can involve overt sexual play or non-sexual caretaking play. Littles are akin to subs and bigs are akin to dominants. Mommy play and daddy play are very common and when engaged in consensually, can potentially be healing. This type of play assumes roles wherein everyone is clear on their parts. When there’s clarity, stress can wane and relaxation can take over. Please note, age play is not a substitute for therapy. Also, age play is not pedophilia! If someone is attracted to children, that is NOT age play, it’s pedophilia. And in that situation, there is NOT consent, which constitutes abuse.  

Humiliation

Humiliation play is a common type of play. It’s when someone may want to be on the receiving end of shaming or blaming words. It could be the act of walking someone around on a leash (which then also involves a form of puppy play). Humiliation play is a consensual power exchange that can help those who may have been bullied as a child. It’s a way of reclaiming something that previously was not consensual. It can help the participants let go and release control.  By not having to be in control, someone may experience what it is like to relax and release any need to have to take care of everything. This can be very healing if the correct levels of trust are present.

Urophilia (Golden Showers)

The most recent ex-president brought golden showers into the mainstream. Also known as watersports, these acts have sadomasochism fun packed in: power, disgust, and humiliation. Urophilia makes the private and forbidden something a little more acceptable. It allows for the curtain to be pulled back on something that is typically private. It’s also something that can be used to expel anger and, when consensual, can be a powerful scene container for the expression and receiving of a plethora of feelings that may not typically have an outlet.

Pregnancy Kink

Pregnancy kink could be a fetish with the act of breeding – and isn’t limited to heterosexual couples because, hi, fantasy. Pregnancy kink could also be with the act of experiencing someone as pregnant (or being pregnant oneself). In that case, it has an  element of riskiness because there’s a permanent potential to be forever with the consequences of unprotected heterosexual intercourse. 

A pregnancy fetish could be with the way the body changes or with being mothered. It could also be envy of how someone else was mothered, which can bring up how the person yearns for deep intimacy, or of being taken care of, which can fit in with age play. During the play scene, dirty talk may involve saying things about getting your partner pregnant or voicing that you want to carry a child for/with your sex partner. 

Vorarephilia

Vorarephilia is cannibal kink, or in other words, getting aroused by fantasies of eating someone. This type of kink came up during sexual assault allegations involving actor Armie Hammer. I haven’t encountered vore frequently, but it’s typically indicative of someone wanting to wholly merge with another. It can be seen as domination. They just want to swallow the other whole and make them part of themselves by metabolizing them. I've seen it concurrent with challenges in seeing others as whole and separate people, and wanting to control in deep ways.

If both parties understand it is a type of fantastical play and they keep it there (and they consent to said fantastical play), it is not only harmless, but consensually potent and fun. Because it falls out of the bounds of more typical kink, most of the people I have worked with go to dommes to enjoy themselves for this type of sexual play.

With vore and other types of kink/fetishes, after getting consent, expressing those desires can be healthy and healing. It’s when they’re suppressed or have shame around them that trouble arises.

For more on this and other topics, subscribe to my newsletter.

References

Levinson, Michael; Paybarah, Azi. “Police Investigate Sexual Assault Allegation Against Armie Hammer.” New York Times. March 18, 2021. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/03/18/us/armie-hammer-sexual-assault-investigation.html

Saint Thomas, Sophie. “28 Sexual Fetishes That Are Way More Common Than You'd Think.” Allure. November 11, 2021. https://www.allure.com/story/common-sexual-fetishes-kinks