Embracing Your Sexuality is Multifaceted
By: Dr. Denise Renye
As a certified sexologist, I work with lots of different people. Some embrace many parts of their sexuality while others are downright terrified. I say “parts” because sexuality is much more than the physical act of sex.
A holistic model I teach often to couples, individuals, and students is the five circles of sexuality developed by Dr. Dennis Dailey in 1981, which is still relevant. (Although, a quick note, he listed “biological gender” in the sexual identity circle, which is now outdated because as we know, gender isn’t necessarily matched with biological anatomy.)
The five circles of sexuality are power and sexualization, sensuality, intimacy, sexual identity, and sexual health and reproduction. All of these aspects of sexuality are important parts of the whole for each individual.
Power and sexualization refer to how you use your potency and sexualness. This circle includes interactions with other people and also messaging from media and advertising.
Sensuality is the awareness, acceptance, and enjoyment of your own body and/or the bodies of others. Included in sensuality are fantasy, body image, and skin hunger (the need for physical touch).
Intimacy is the degree of emotional closeness between people – not only romantic partners but also friends and family.
Sexual identity refers to who you are and how you label yourself as a sexual being. It includes how you see yourself as a gendered being (or not), gender role cultural expectations, who you’re attracted to, and the types of sexual practices that excite you/bring pleasure.
Sexual health and reproduction relate to the physical fact you have a body. This circle includes the components of reproduction, the physical changes that happen from birth to death, and the challenges people may face such as sexually transmitted infections (STIs), sexual dysfunction, and infertility.
Some people are a minority in one or more circles. Maybe they’re trans. Or they don’t fall into the category of what the patriarchy deems “sexy.” Frankly, sexy is very much in the eye of the beholder and not preordained, but I digress. For people who hold this belief that they aren’t sexy, there’s often fear and terror around their own sexuality – both exploring it and deepening it. However, that’s exactly what’s required to shift the paradigm of the patriarchy.
Under patriarchy, there are lots of messages about what it means to be sexy including who’s desirable and who’s not. The biggest FU you can give to the patriarchy is embracing your own, unique sexuality. By being in touch with self-pleasure, by accepting what turns you on even if it’s outside the scope of what the patriarchy says is “normal” or traditional, you’re saying, “Not today, patriarchy. You don’t get to define me or how I engage with sexuality.” And that is powerful.
Think about it. If you’re not worried that you’re too fat or too thin, too hairy, not hairy enough, etc., then you’re not spending your money on lotions, potions, or schemes that perpetually tell you there’s something wrong with you. You’re not engaged in the rigid norms set out by a system that harms all people, including cis-gendered, straight, white men. Instead, you’re saying to yourself and to anyone watching, “I’m fine just the way I am. There’s nothing wrong with me.”
What could be a bigger middle finger to the patriarchy than accepting and celebrating who you are and how you express your sexuality? It can be difficult or scary, but you don’t have to do it alone. I’m here on the sidelines cheering you on.
Dr. Denise Renye is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sexologist, yoga therapist, and psychedelic assisted therapist and integrationist. She has specialized training and expertise in the areas of sexuality, relationships, states of consciousness, psychedelic integration, and intimacy. Learn more at www.wholepersonintegration.com.
To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sexologist), click here.