Sex Remains Important in Long-Term Relationships
By: Dr. Denise Renye
Sex…it’s something that is typically part of a romantic partnership or marriage and it’s wise to have a conversation about it from the beginning of a connection. People may be asexual, pansexual, have a high interest in sex, have kinky desires, prefer a vanilla scene, or anything in between. But there is a prevalent and under-talked about sexual concern in some relationships.
Either in the media, through personal experience, or from friends, we hear about romantic relationships that no longer include sex or sex has become very infrequent. These “sexless relationships,” which are defined as no sex in the past year, no sex in the past six months, or sex 10 or fewer times a year, make up around 15-20% of marriages in the U.S., according to Newsweek.
For some folx, they “expect” this will happen; as if long-term relationships inevitably trade excitement and desire for stability and comfort. A message around sex in long-term relationships is that it’s “natural” for sexual desire and frequency to die down.
Sexual frequently does diminish in relationships because security, predictability, and safety don’t necessarily spur attraction the way that adventure, novelty, and mystery do, as Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel reminds us. However, that doesn’t mean sex has to be taken off the table completely. And expanding one’s understanding of sexuality is key! Sex remains important in relationships whether you’ve been together for five days or 50 years.
Regular sexual connection creates more closeness with your partner and is a way of expressing affection and care. This closeness may increase the level of your commitment and that’s why it’s important to continue having explicit open communication along the way. It’s also likely you’ll feel happier because numerous brain chemicals are released during good sex such as endorphins (the “feel-good” hormones) and oxytocin (the “bonding” chemical).
There are numerous physical benefits associated with pleasurable sex such as improved self-esteem and cardiovascular health but as a certified sexologist and sex therapist, my focus is more on people’s emotional and mental health. Sex creates connection and it also doesn’t happen automatically. Sure, you can surprise your partner in the shower for a sexual rendezvous but a satisfying sex life starts with communication, not action.
For sex to feel satisfying, each person must be conscious and intentional. They must communicate their sexual desires, wants, and frequency. It’s also possible those wants and desires won’t match. That’s OK! What are some strategies each of you can employ so sexual needs are being met? Is closeness the primary concern? Or touch? Brainstorm ways to keep you both content.
These are conversations to have at the beginning of a relationship and all throughout, not only when problems arise and not only during sex. It’s something to talk about even, and especially, when you aren’t engaging sexually. Also, keep in mind that sexual frequency can decrease because it’s indicative of something else – erectile dysfunction, depression, stress, not feeling like you belong or are thriving in the relationship, etc. – and by communicating that with your partner, they may not feel hurt or rejected when sexual advances are turned down.
By communicating what’s going on and what both of you would like, you’re able to support one another through the entire sexual lifecycle of your relationship and be better partners to boot. What’s more satisfying than that?
Journal Prompts
· What does my ideal sex life look like?
· If I have a partner, have I communicated my ideal to them? If not, why not?
· What would I communicate to a sexual partner regarding my wants and desires if I didn’t feel shame, embarrassment, or inhibition?
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Reference
Donovan Mauer, Elena. “Are Sexless Marriages More Common Than We Think?” The Healthy. March 2, 2021. https://www.thehealthy.com/family/relationships/are-sexless-marriages-more-common-than-we-think/