An Orgasm is Perhaps Not What You Think It Is
By: Dr. Denise Renye
At Whole Person Integration, we spend a lot of time thinking about orgasms whether that’s the orgasm gap for people with clitorises, how cancer can affect sexuality, or how to have better sex. Typically, orgasms are thought of as a physiological response that results in intense pleasure and the release of sexual tension. The pelvic muscles rhythmically contract, including the muscles of the genitals, but also sometimes the entire body will contract. However, that’s only part of the orgasm story. An orgasm is also a psychological response and doesn’t have to be limited to the pelvis. This is especially pertinent for someone who has a disability and doesn’t experience sensations in the pelvis.
When I, Dr. Renye, was obtaining my master’s degree in Human Sexuality from Widener University in Philadelphia, I was fortunate enough to learn from Dr. Mitch Tepper. He is a pioneer in the field of sexuality and disabilities and has redefined what it means to orgasm. First, he reminds people over and over again there’s a myth that someone with a disability is asexual or completely lacking sexual attraction or interest in sexual activity with others. This sounds incredibly absurd as I type this. Having a disability does not mean all sexual and sensual desire is gone!
And yet, we see this myth frequently in books and movies. One example is the book and film Me Before You, which centers on Louisa “Lou” Clark, a cheery 26-year-old living a quiet life in England with her struggling sister and parents. After Lou loses her job as a waitress, she becomes the caretaker for Will Traynor, a 31-year-old quadriplegic who was once a high-powered, thrill-seeking financier before he was hit by a motorcycle and paralyzed from the chest down.
The book follows a “grumpy-sunshine” trope whereby “sunny” Lou softens “grumpy” Will’s hard edges and change each other for the better. The two fall in love but Will declares they can never be together because he’s no longer sexual. He says he used to be sexual but the accident turned him into someone who isn’t anymore. Will is a fictional character so, OK, that was true for him, but more often than not, sexuality doesn’t disappear with an accident like his. It can of course, but it’s not a given. Someone who is disabled can still feel sexual.
Sexuality consists of five circles, which means it’s not limited to one body part in another body part. Sexuality is also flirting, touch, fantasy, sexual identity, and health, and, perhaps above all, a psychological state of being. So no, it’s not just about body parts. And even then, don’t discount the various ways sex can be performed be it oral, mutual masturbation, and digital, to name just a few ways of expression!
For people who disabled and don’t have sensation below the chest, it’s true, they may not experience an orgasm in the way it’s usually defined as a genital contraction. But that doesn’t mean they can’t orgasm. Tepper, who is in a wheelchair, says the arousal pattern works differently for him after his injury.
For Tepper, an orgasm is about sensation. He focuses on warmth in his chest, face, and ears. That means an orgasm for him can arise through a full-body massage, kissing, talking, but also a vibrator. For Tepper and his wife Cheryl to orgasm, they have become more creative, which is a key factor for satisfying sex. There is a very thin line between creativity and sexuality…it may be said they are one and the same.
Ultimately, disability advocacy in the realm of sexuality demonstrates our ideas of sex are often very limited. An orgasm is not only a pelvic contraction. It’s a sensation, it’s pleasure, it’s the eruption of something based on safety, vulnerability, and trust. And that’s true whether you’re disabled or not.
Journal Prompts
· What are some of my preconceived notions of sexual desire and disability?
· Considering sex, what is my understanding of how it is, as well as can be, expressed?
To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sex Therapist), click here.