Delving into Demisexuality
By: Dr. Denise Renye
The lived experience of a demisexual individual is a unique journey that revolves around a distinct approach to romantic and sexual attraction. Demisexuality is an orientation characterized by the need for a deep emotional bond or connection before experiencing sexual attraction toward someone. This means that demisexual individuals may not feel immediate or superficial attractions, unlike some other sexual orientations. Instead, their attraction tends to develop over time as they form meaningful emotional connections with others.
The emotional connection can develop quickly or slowly, depending on the person. And it doesn’t have to be a romantic feeling, it could be a close friendship. Many people want an emotional bond before they experience physical intimacy but the difference is other people can feel sexually attracted without that emotional bond. That’s not the case for demisexuals. They cannot feel sexually attracted unless that emotional bond or emotional intimacy is there. It’s essential for turn on. For instance, a demisexual doesn’t lust after a celebrity the way someone else might because they cannot emotionally get to know a celebrity.
Demisexuals can be gay, straight, bi, pan, etc., and demisexual because it’s less about who they’re attracted to and more about when and how. Walking down the street and spotting a stranger? No. Someone they’ve enjoyed spending time with and gotten to know? Much more likely.
For demisexual individuals, navigating the complexities of dating and relationships can be both rewarding and challenging. The emphasis on emotional connection often means that they invest significant time and energy into getting to know someone on a deep level before any sort of sexual attraction can manifest. This can lead to more profound and meaningful relationships as the foundation is built upon a strong emotional bond. However, it might also result in feelings of disconnect or isolation in a society that frequently prioritizes instant physical or sexual connections.
The demisexual experience also underscores the diversity within the broader spectrum of human sexuality. Just as every individual's emotional landscape is unique, so too are the timelines and pathways through which demisexual attraction unfolds. Some may find that they only experience sexual attraction a handful of times in their lives, while others might discover these feelings more frequently. This diversity highlights the importance of acknowledging and respecting the full spectrum of human experiences when it comes to love, attraction, and relationships.
As a San Francisco Bay Area sexologist and sex therapist, I work with folx all across the sexuality continuum from aces (asexuals) to allosexuals (people who are sexually attracted to anyone, regardless of sexual orientation) and understanding that sexuality is complex. For folx who wonder if they (or someone they know) is demisexual, here are some signs:
· You only feel sexually attracted to people if you've gotten to know them
· You don’t feel lust at first sight
· You don't enjoy casual sex or friends-with-benefits relationships
· You like to take your time getting to know someone before becoming romantic or sexual
Sometimes demisexuality is lumped into asexuality but that’s not quite accurate. Someone who is asexual or on the asexual spectrum rarely, if ever, feels sexual attraction. But if sexual attraction is there for an asexual, it can be directed toward a stranger. They don’t have to have an emotional bond. Again, for demisexuals it’s different. And demisexuals can feel sexual attraction frequently, unlike someone who is asexual or on the asexual spectrum.
Just as with asexuality, demisexuality is not a choice or a response to trauma/upbringing/culture. It just is, the same way being attracted to a random person on the street just “is.” Sexuality is complex, multifaceted, and fluid. Not everyone reacts or responds in the same way and that’s just fine. Sexual orientation and identity should never be turned into something shameful, bad, or wrong.
Ultimately, the lived experience of a demisexual person is one of depth, patience, and authenticity. It's about seeking connections that transcend the surface and finding partners who value emotional intimacy as much as physical attraction. By navigating the world in a way that honors their unique orientation, demisexual individuals contribute to a richer tapestry of human diversity and enhance our understanding of the intricate ways in which love and attraction can flourish.
Journal prompts
· Consider a time when you've felt a deep emotional connection with someone that eventually led to a sense of sexual attraction. How did this experience differ from any previous relationships or encounters where attraction was solely based on physical appearance?
· How important is emotional connection in your experience of forming attractions or bonds with others?
· Can you recall a situation where a deep emotional connection with someone gradually led to a sense of attraction that you might not have felt initially?
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