Loving Someone Through the Hard Stuff

by Dr. Denise Renye

Life brings seasons of challenge. Whether it’s illness, grief, identity exploration, or unexpected transitions, the way we show up for those we love can deeply affect their healing process—and our relationship with them.

I’ve seen this firsthand over the course of my career, beginning nearly two decades ago in Philadelphia. During my time with the Linda Creed Breast Cancer Foundation, I co-facilitated a support group called Rainbow Circle for lesbians living with breast cancer. It was there I witnessed the power of presence—not fixing, not perfect answers, but true presence—as a balm during times of pain and uncertainty.

That work, and the Removing the Barriers curriculum I helped revise to improve the sensitivity of medical professionals toward LGBTQ+ patients, taught me something essential: being supportive isn’t about having the right words. It’s about creating safety, honoring identity, and allowing space for complexity.

So, how do we do that in our personal lives—especially with our spouses or loved ones when they’re hurting? Here are some reflections, drawn from both clinical practice and human experience:

1. Listen More Than You Speak

Support begins with listening. Not the kind where you’re silently rehearsing your response—but the kind where you drop into presence and truly hear. When your partner or loved one is struggling, offer your full attention. Turn off distractions. Let them know they don’t have to filter or explain everything.

Reflective listening—where you gently mirror back what you hear—can be powerful. Try:

• “It sounds like this has been weighing on you all day.”

• “I hear how tired and overwhelmed you are. That makes so much sense.”

You don’t need to fix it. You just need to see them.

2. Validate Their Feelings, Even If You Don’t Share Them

Emotions aren’t problems to solve. They’re experiences to acknowledge. If your loved one is grieving, afraid, or even angry, resist the urge to talk them out of their feelings. Instead, affirm their reality.

This can be especially important if your loved one is navigating layers of identity—such as being queer in a healthcare setting, or managing trauma in a world that often overlooks it. Validation can sound like:

• “You don’t have to be strong right now.”

• “It makes sense that you feel that way.”

• “I believe you. I see you.”

3. Be Willing to Sit in Discomfort Together

In Rainbow Circle, we practiced allowing the messiness of emotion—the contradictions, the grief, the resilience that shows up in the same breath as despair. Supporting someone through tough times means being a container for that complexity, even when you don’t know what to say.

This might mean sitting in silence. Letting tears fall. Holding their hand. Or simply saying: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere.”

4. Respect Boundaries and Shifting Needs

When someone is going through something hard, their needs may change daily—or hourly. One day they might want closeness, the next they may need space. Rather than taking it personally, consider checking in with simple, open questions like:

• “What would feel supportive right now?”

• “Do you want to talk, or would it feel better just to be quiet together?”

• “Would it help if I handled [insert task] today?”

The offer of help, without pressure, is often what matters most.

5. Take Care of Yourself, Too

Caregiving and emotional support can be deeply meaningful—but also draining if you don’t have outlets of your own. Supporting a loved one doesn’t mean abandoning your own needs. In fact, your ability to stay grounded and steady can be one of the most valuable gifts you offer.

It’s okay to say, “I need to step outside for a walk to clear my head.” Or, “I’m going to therapy too—I want to show up for you as best I can.”

We can’t pour from an empty cup. But we can refill ourselves so we’re able to walk alongside the ones we love.

6. Know When to Call in Extra Support

Sometimes, holding space means also knowing when to call in backup. Whether it’s a therapist, a support group, or a trusted friend, don’t hesitate to suggest (or seek) additional help. You’re not failing by doing so—you’re honoring the complexity of being human.

Back in my work with breast cancer survivors, this often meant helping participants find therapists or clinicians who understood the nuances of their identities. Everyone deserves care that sees the whole person. If you're unsure where to begin, a referral from a trusted professional can go a long way.

Love Is a Verb

Supporting someone through life’s hardest moments isn’t always intuitive. But love is often less about having the right words and more about showing up—again and again—with compassion, presence, and a willingness to grow.

If you’re in this season right now—offering care to someone you love—thank you. The way you show up matters. And it’s okay if you’re learning as you go. We all are.