The Orgasm Gap

By: Dr. Denise Renye

It’s National Women’s History Month and people are talking about not only historical women figures but also the issues facing women alive today. Some of those issues are abortion rights, shouldering more of the responsibilities at home, and the wage gap. As you likely know, women make 77 cents for every dollar paid to men and the gap is even wider for women of color. There’s another gap though, one that isn’t discussed as openly: the orgasm gap.

The orgasm gap is what it sounds like – when engaging in sexual activities that result in an orgasm, one individual or group consistently achieves an orgasm more than another. One study found the breakdown is like so:

·      95% of heterosexual men experience orgasm during intercourse

·      89% of gay men

·      88% of bisexual men

·      86% of lesbians

·      66% of bisexual women

·      65% of straight women

You’ll notice at the top of the list are heterosexual men and that even lesbians don’t orgasm as much as heterosexual men. Why is this? It could be for many reasons. Perhaps for many heterosexual men, their orgasms are the “end goal” of engaging in sexual activity. They focus on it and that means an orgasm is more likely to occur. At Whole Person Integration we advocate reconsidering your sex goals from being focused on orgasm to being focused on pleasure. Sex can be enjoyable even if it doesn’t end in an orgasm, which is perhaps why lesbians don’t orgasm as much. However, it could also be that the dearth of orgasms even among lesbians points toward a larger issue.

Similar to the wage gap, the orgasm gap represents a cultural problem. Because women orgasm less in partnered sex, they expect to orgasm less. Because they expect to orgasm less, they accept a perhaps less than-satisfactory sex life. Note: Fewer orgasms don’t necessarily mean less satisfaction, but many times it does. Women may also be less inclined to communicate their sexual desires because they may not have the language to communicate their desires as well as they’ve learned they likely won’t get what they want anyway. The issue can go further than that and people with vulvas may even accept pain during sex. If sex is painful, that’s a signal something isn’t quite right, it’s not something to just “put up with.”   

The other issue the orgasm gap points to is there’s confusion surrounding the vulva. A YouGov study found that’s true for men and women. When asked to label a vulva diagram, 58% of people couldn’t describe the function of the urethra, 47% didn’t know what the labia were, and 52% didn’t know what the vagina was. When broken down by gender, 59% of men couldn’t label the vagina compared with 45% of women.

If you don’t understand your own anatomy, how can you guide another person around it? How can you communicate what you like and what you don’t like? Knowing your body is important when it comes to experiencing sexual pleasure. Related to that, very few people with clitorises experience orgasm through penetration alone, while others require clitoral stimulation. Some men don’t know that and perhaps some women don’t either! This is why Whole Person Integration encourages masturbation. There’s no shame in exploring your body through masturbating. It allows you to figure out what you like and what you don’t like. If you would like to explore yourself and deepen your sensual life through a process of vulva gazing and would like a guided meditation as accompaniment, please find your way here.

The orgasm gap also points toward how women need more safe spaces to discuss their sexuality, like in a sexologist’s or a sex-positive psychologist’s office. If they don’t discuss their sex lives and acknowledge there even is an orgasm gap, they won’t be able to close it. For this women’s history month, let’s close the gap, wherever it may be.

Journal prompts

·      Is my sex life satisfying? If not, why not?

·      What is it that I want more of in my sex life? What do I want less of?

·      Body, how do you like to receive and create pleasure?

To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sex Therapist), click here.

References

Frederick, David; St. John, H. Kate; Garcia, Justin; et al. “Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample.” Arch Sex Behav. January 2018, vol. 47:1, pp. 273-288. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28213723/ 

Waldersee, Victoria. “Half of Brits don't know where the vagina is - and it's not just the men.” YouGov. March 8, 2019. https://yougov.co.uk/topics/health/articles-reports/2019/03/08/half-brits-dont-know-where-vagina-and-its-not-just