Female Orgasms and Unrealistic Expectations
By: Dr. Denise Renye
Sexuality is a charged topic because so much of it happens behind closed doors and isn’t talked about openly. When sex doesn’t happen behind closed doors, aka, pornography, there are often, but not always, glamorized or biased perspectives embedded within it that don’t reflect reality. That means people may have expectations they don’t realize are unrealistic because they weren’t informed and/or their expectations have been reinforced because of highly curated depictions of physical intimacy.
One such instance where people may have unrealistic expectations is orgasms for people with clitorises. There’s a very misguided and patriarchal-based idea that these orgasms occur through penetration alone but studies show that’s on the rarer side. In 2017, OMGYes, a company that focuses on pleasure, conducted a study of 2,000 women (Note: It’s unclear how the researchers defined “women”) that included a survey and an interview. The survey and interview were extensive and asked detailed questions about sexual behaviors, attitudes, and experiences.
The researchers found only 18% of women said vaginal penetration alone was enough for them to come. Nearly 37% said they needed clitoral stimulation, and an additional 36% said they didn’t require clitoral stimulation to orgasm but it enhanced the experience. In other words, it’s more common to orgasm via clitoral stimulation than vaginal penetration. The more accurate message that scientists, journalists, artists, and filmmakers should share is the rarity of the vaginal orgasm.
Why is the vaginal orgasm referenced so often then? It could be due to the paucity of data on sexual behavior, and more specifically, women’s sexual behavior and pleasure. The first nationally representative study of sexual behavior, which covered sexual behavior for both men and women, was in the early 1990s in response to the AIDS epidemic. The second was in 2009 at Indiana University - Bloomington. To recap, that’s two studies in 20 years! If researchers aren’t studying and reporting on sexual pleasure, it has a ripple effect not only in the bedroom but also when it comes to sex education. They may not know about common experiences or concerns or must do a lot of digging to find the information they need.
Also, even reducing an orgasm to clitoral versus vaginal is oversimplified. The female orgasm is nuanced. People orgasm in different ways because bodies are not factory-produced to certain dimensions. Just as individuals are just that, individual…pleasure experiences are as well, including orgasms. They don’t all operate in the same way and what works for one person may not work for another.
People don’t know what they don’t know. And when they don’t know something, they also start to fill in the gaps. In other words, if people think they “should” be able to orgasm via the vagina, they may start to feel shame that they can’t, or perhaps they content themselves with orgasm-less sex. To be clear, sex can be pleasurable with and without orgasm but at least give people the option. They should have the possibility of coming.
For folx who have sex with people with clitorises, it’s important that they realize vaginal penetration alone may not cut it, and as with all satisfying sex, communication is key. At Whole Person Integration, we say bring consciousness back to the bedroom. Communicate wants and desires. But also explore…and explore widely, vastly, and wildly…if you so desire. You may have “tried and true” methods of coming but part of the fun with sex is learning new forms of pleasure. What else can you try? The answer may surprise you.
If you would like to explore yourself and deepen your sensual life through a process of vulva gazing and would like a guided meditation as accompaniment, please find your way here.
To set up an appointment with me (Marin County Sex Therapist), click here.
Image created by Pierce Miles, Read Image’s Original article HERE
Reference
Herbenick, Debby; Fu, Tsung-Chieh (Jane); Arter, Jennifer; et al. “Women's Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94.” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. August 9, 2017. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530
Indiana University. “National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior.” National Sex Study. https://nationalsexstudy.indiana.edu/index.html. Accessed March 24, 2023.