How to Work with Limerence and Not Against It

By: Dr. Denise Renye

There’s nothing quite like the rush of getting to know someone new romantically. Dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine are flowing and you feel high on life. You feel powerful when you make the other person laugh and are crushed if they have to reschedule plans.

You may analyze every interaction, every text, searching for a deeper meaning or a sign they’re the “one.” You may even start to fantasize about the other person and feel an uncontrollable, overwhelming desire for them. You want more of them – time, affection, communication. We often call this “love at first sight,” but there’s a clinical term for this experience: limerence.

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov first described the term in 1979 in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. Limerence is less grounded than love because it involves a lot of projection and fantasy. Instead of seeing the other person for who they are, flaws and all, someone in the throes of limerence will ignore red flags because “love conquers all.” They may imagine activities and outings with the other person, how they’ll dress, what they’ll say because at this point, the other person is still a mystery.  

It’s important to recognize that limerence is not the same as love or a healthy long-term relationship. Limerence is often characterized by a sense of urgency or desperation to be with the other person, and can sometimes lead to irrational behavior or a lack of judgement. Someone who is in limerence may also neglect their own needs either because they’re too caught up in thinking about the other person or because they’re asked to neglect their needs. (“I know you’re tired, but I need you! Can you come over?”)

It’s not uncommon for people to move in together or get married in a very short time frame if they’re beguiled by limerence. Instead of thinking things through, (“Does it make sense to move in together? How long have I known this person?”) they’re swept away by hopes and dreams. Limerence is like a rollercoaster with high highs and low lows. Understanding the difference between limerence and love can help you make more informed decisions about your relationships and avoid potentially unhealthy dynamics.

What often happens in limerence is eventually reality does set in. The person isn’t perfect the way you thought. They clip their toenails over a rug instead of a trashcan. They chew with their mouth open. They are not financially sound or emotionally available. They are a homebody whereas you are more adventurous. Instead of the love-drunk potion you sipped from before, now you may feel disappointed. At this stage, some people move on to someone new because they’re chasing after the limerence and are convinced if it’s gone, they didn’t feel “true love” or the person wasn’t their “twin flame.”   

Just because the limerence is gone doesn’t necessarily mean the life of the relationship has died. You can once again feel thrilled when you make your loved one laugh and empowered when they look at you with desire in their eyes. The issue is much of our media’s relationship depictions are obsessive and abusive like in Twilight or viewed as boring because they’re sexless. Then we have imbalanced relationships where one person is dependent on the other emotionally, financially, or physically and the relationship becomes more like a parent and child rather than two functional, interdependent adults. None of these models are aspirational.

Healthy, fulfilling love requires consciousness, communication, and care: care for yourself and care for another, which means being grounded and balanced. You can re-experience limerence without it being damaging or drastic because let’s face it, limerence is fun! There’s a reason why everyone talks about the rush of new love.  

Limerence can be experienced in a more grounded way in existing relationships by giving them space and also remembering, you are your own person. The “one” you are waiting for – to change your life, fulfill you, or somehow make it better – is you. Other people are co-travelers on your life’s journey, but ultimately, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with you. How’s the journey going?

Journal prompts

·      Am I currently experiencing limerence? If so, how can I make it more grounded? If not, do I want to?

·      Am I truly interested in building a healthy, long-term relationship with this person I am spending time with, or am I caught up in the excitement and intensity of the moment?

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