Bay Area Sex Therapist Reveals Why Marriage Has Evolved
By: Dr. Denise Renye
The institution of marriage is dynamic and ever-changing. It used to be about political alliances, increasing capital, and joining families together. Marriage was a social contract and marrying for love was considered anti-social, even subversive, with parents disowning their children for it, according to Stephanie Coontz, director of Research and Public Education for the Council on Contemporary Families and emeritus faculty of History and Family Studies at the Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA.
A bouquet of roses accompanied by a sign that reads "Will you marry me?" symbolizing love and the evolving nature of marriage.
“The Greeks thought lovesickness was a type of insanity, a view that was adopted by medieval commentators in Europe,” she said in her book Marriage, A History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage. “In the Middle Ages, the French defined love as a ‘derangement of the mind’ that could be cured by sexual intercourse, either with the loved one or with a different partner.”
Love didn’t enter the scene for marriage until the late 18th century and early 19th century, partly due to the French and American revolutions when Enlightenment thinkers started promoting the right to personal happiness. Because the social and economic landscape changed at that time (less farming, more urban living, smaller family sizes, etc.), that meant factoring love into the equation for marriage became more possible and it’s been romanticized ever since.
However, I’ve noticed in my work as a Bay Area sex therapist that marriage is once again becoming something different. While in the past, individuals had little say in whom they married, as societies have progressed and individual autonomy has become increasingly valued, the purpose and meaning of marriage have changed.
What Modern People Seek in a Marriage
Marriage is no longer viewed as a necessity for survival in most cases because economic independence, advances in technology, and changing social norms have liberated individuals from the traditional roles and obligations associated with marriage. So much so that now people have a choice as to whether they want to be more traditional, as in the case of the #tradwife trend.
Gone are the days when marriage meant being with someone solely for the sake of fulfilling societal expectations or securing financial stability. Now people seek partners who offer emotional availability, understanding, and support. They desire relationships built on mutual respect, shared values, and a sense of partnership. They want companions who enhance their lives and share their journeys. People want a partner who listens with empathy, communicates openly, and demonstrates emotional maturity. It’s part of the reason I’ve seen an uptick in requests for premarital counseling – modern couples recognize marriage takes effort and they want to enter their marriage with as many tools in their toolbox as possible.
Moreover, couples these days recognize the importance of healing past traumas both individually and together through the depths of connection in the relationship. They understand that unresolved issues from the past such as defensiveness and emotional unavailability can affect their relationship and they actively work toward addressing these issues. This commitment to personal growth and mutual understanding fosters deeper connections and strengthens the bond between partners.
The way partners create these deeper connections and strengthen their bond is in part through effective communication. Sometimes with the support of a psychologist such as myself, couples learn more about expressing their needs, desires, and concerns openly and honestly. They prioritize active listening and strive to understand each other's perspectives, fostering a culture of empathy and mutual support.
Ultimately, the evolution of marriage reflects broader shifts in societal values toward individual autonomy, emotional fulfillment, and egalitarian partnerships. While the institution itself continues to adapt to changing circumstances, its essence remains rooted in the fundamental human desire for connection, companionship, and love.
If you want support with any of this, I am a Marin County sex therapist, Marin County psychologist, and offer holistic coaching globally. Contact me about working together.
Reference
Salt Lake Tribune. “Love And Marriage: A History That Challenges The Notion Of 'Traditional Marriage'” Huffington Post. February 13, 2014. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/love-marriage-history_n_4774740