Marin County Psychologist Unpacks Defensiveness in Relationships
by Dr. Denise Renye
A black and white photo of a couple sitting back to back, symbolizing the challenges of defensiveness and the need for healing in relationships.
None of us are handed a manual on how to have functional, much less thriving, relationships. And often, our first role models for relationships – parents and other family members – were not the best examples for us to model ourselves after. In my work as a Marin County psychologist, I’ve learned that we take those role models into our psyches, something called “imprinting,” and that imprint is then how we design our own relationships, unless we actively choose to do something different. This is often called “doing the work,” meaning exploring our internal landscape.
I’ve seen over and over again in my work as a Marin County psychologist that an issue many of my clients must work through is defensiveness. It’s a silent yet formidable obstacle to intimacy and connection. Defensiveness is rooted in the depths of the psyche and is a byproduct of the inner critic. The inner critic is the voice that says, “You’re not good enough,” “You’re doing it wrong,” “How could you?” “Why are you like this?” and more. We often see the inner critic coupled with perfectionism.
The Inner Critic: A Legacy of Unprocessed Trauma
The inner critic is born from unprocessed childhood trauma. If you dig deeper, you’ll likely find the inner critic voice is eerily similar to a parent or guardian, either in words you heard or interpretations through actions they showed. We often internalize those voices and messages that whisper tales of inadequacy and unworthiness. There may have been neglect, rejection, or emotional abuse in childhood and so to deal with the pain, often an inner critic arises that repeats these negative messages in an effort to wound yourself before anyone else has the chance to wound you. On the other hand, the inner critic may say, “If only you did things the right way, everything would be fine.”
The inner critic casts a shadow of worthlessness and terror over our internal landscapes. It shapes the way we perceive ourselves and interact with others. This can begin in childhood and continue for decades until awareness of this is gained through therapy, a partner, spouse, or some other method. It’s important to note here that it is not the responsibility of a partner or spouse to take the place of a therapist but they could certainly be a loving ally in the process. The inner critic can be like the air that you breathe…you don’t even know it exists until one day you do.
In the context of romantic relationships, defensiveness crops up because people are trying to “defend” themselves from something they perceive as a threat. It can wreak havoc, creating barriers to intimacy, communication, and understanding between partners. People who feel defensive may lash out, withdraw, deflect blame—they do anything to shield themselves from the pain of vulnerability and rejection. Yet, in the effort to protect themselves, they unwittingly erect barriers that hinder true intimacy and understanding with their partners. This can drive wedges in connections that very well could be worth the person’s time, energy, and emotional currency.
Through the transformative power of therapy, with someone such as myself, a Marin County psychologist, couples and individuals can embark on a journey of healing and growth, reclaiming their sense of self-worth and forging deeper, more rewarding connections with others.
The Role of Therapy in Healing
There are two approaches to healing defensiveness, either in the context of individual therapy or couple’s therapy or both! In individual therapy, there’s an invaluable opportunity for the defensive partner to delve deeper into the roots of their inner critic and begin the process of healing from past trauma. With the guidance of a skilled therapist, they can uncover and challenge long-held beliefs about their worthiness and reclaim agency over their emotional well-being.
In couple’s therapy, there’s a safe and supportive space for partners to explore the underlying dynamics of defensiveness and its impact on their relationship. Through open dialogue and guided interventions, they can learn to recognize and de-escalate moments of defensiveness to foster empathy and understanding between them.
Embracing Vulnerability and Connection
Healing from defensiveness requires courage and vulnerability because you must be willing to confront the shadows of your past and embrace the light of self-acceptance and compassion. Whether you’re single or in a couple, working to heal defensiveness will only support your relationship as it creates a deeper understanding of yourself and others, which lays the foundation for a relationship built on trust, mutual respect, and realistic love. Through the transformative power of therapy, the barrier of defensiveness can be transcended.
Defensiveness is a call to delve deeper into the inner workings of your psyche and confront the wounds of your past. Doing so lets you reclaim your sense of self-worth and foster deeper connections with others. As you navigate this path, you discover that true intimacy lies not in perfection but in the raw, unfiltered authenticity of vulnerability and connection.
I would be honored to support you in dismantling defensiveness. If you’re interested in working together for sex therapy, depth psychotherapy, or holistic coaching, click here. In the meantime, I have some journal prompts to support your healing.
Journal Prompts
· Reflect on moments in your current or past relationships where you've felt defensive. What triggered this defensiveness and how did you respond? Consider whether there are patterns or themes underlying these reactions and explore any connections to past experiences or childhood trauma.
· Delve into your inner dialogue and explore the messages of your inner critic. What negative beliefs or self-doubts does your inner critic reinforce? How do these beliefs influence your behavior and interactions with your partner? Reflect on how acknowledging and challenging these beliefs can contribute to healing and growth in your relationship.
· Imagine engaging in couples therapy with your partner to address defensiveness in your relationship. What topics or issues would you want to explore together? How do you envision navigating moments of defensiveness and fostering greater understanding and empathy between you and your partner? What are the potential benefits of couple’s therapy?
For a deeper dive on inner child work, click here for The Complete Guide to Healing Trauma Through Inner Child Work