Marin County Sex Therapist Reveals Signs of Emotional Unavailability
by Dr. Denise Renye
A couple sitting on a bench with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background. One partner is looking away, illustrating themes of emotional disconnection and the complexities of navigating relationships.
In the world of relationships, emotional availability is the glue that holds partnerships together. It creates a deeper sense of intimacy and connection that fosters trust, understanding, and closeness. But what happens when one partner struggles to meet these emotional needs? What are the signs that indicate that? And how do you navigate such a relationship? In my experience as a Marin County Sex Therapist, I’ve learned a lot about this working with people over the years. There tends to be a great deal of hurt on the parts of both parties in the relationship.
Signs of Emotional Unavailability
· Difficulty Expressing Emotions: Emotionally unavailable people often find it challenging to express their feelings openly. When asked how they feel, they may say, “Fine,” or change the subject. In my work as a Marin County sex therapist, I’ve witnessed some people dodge conversations about emotions or downplay their significance. There are two things at play – first, the person has trouble expressing how they, personally, feel and they also don’t want to talk about how their partner feels. They are uncomfortable with emotions and that in turn leaves their partner feeling unheard or dismissed.
· Avoidance of Intimacy: Intimacy goes beyond physical closeness; it's about emotional connection too. Intimacy could be broken down as “into-me-see” because it’s sharing what’s happening on the inside. Emotionally unavailable people might shy away from deep conversations because again, they have trouble expressing themselves. They may also find it threatening to let others see into them, metaphorically. Everything that people do is for a reason, whether that’s conscious or unconscious. For an emotionally unavailable person, it could be there were boundary violations growing up and so they prefer not to share about themselves. Or there could have been neglect and the person just deep down holds this (untrue) fear that their thoughts, feelings, or ideas are insignificant. However, relationships thrive on vulnerability so the lack thereof can create a sense of distance in the relationship.
· Inconsistent Communication: Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Without proper communication, all relationships deteriorate. However, for emotionally unavailable individuals, communication can be sporadic and unreliable. As a Marin County sex therapist, I’ve witnessed either first- or secondhand that an emotionally unavailable person may be intensely present, then completely withdrawn, as well as everything in between. This inconsistent communication can leave their partners feeling confused and insecure.
· Prioritizing Independence: Many emotionally unavailable people place a high value on their independence. Yes, relationships require space, but too much space means not enough connection. Emotionally unavailable people might resist making long-term commitments like planning for weekends away, vacations next summer, or what to do for the holidays. On the emotional side of things, emotionally unavailable people might resist relying on their partners for support because they’re scared of being vulnerable and don’t want to become dependent on their partner. Sensing that they are becoming dependent, or even interdependent, can begin to feel like suffocation for them.
· Fear of Commitment: Commitment is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship because it means that whatever configuration the relationship takes, the people in the relationship are determined to make an effort and work through things. For someone emotionally unavailable, they might want to run out the door at the first sign of trouble instead of working it out. Again, commitment is not only for monogamous relationships, it also happens in “situationships” or ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationships because those relationships also have agreements about what is OK and what is not for each party involved. That commitment to respect one another’s boundaries creates security and shared reality. Emotionally unavailable people may not want to have those conversations in the first place or sail past the agreements that were made.
The Healing Journey
The internet, and people in general, like to speak in absolutes about what people should do. But in my work as a Marin County sex therapist, I give space for my clients to figure out what is best for them, whether that’s ending the relationship with the emotionally unavailable person or supporting them as they navigate staying together. However, there are some general guidelines for healing.
· Acknowledge Your Feelings: This is always the first step. It’s important to give yourself space to feel however you feel, whether that’s sadness, anger, or disappointment. Denying or suppressing your feelings will only prolong the healing process.
· Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries to protect yourself from further emotional harm. This might involve limiting contact with your ex-partner or setting boundaries around topics that feel too triggering. If you are choosing to stay with your partner, setting boundaries may mean making specific requests such as, “I want to see you at least once a week.” How they react will give you more information about whether this is someone you want to keep being in a relationship with.
· Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide validation and guidance as you navigate your emotions. Don't be afraid to lean on your support system during this time.
· Reflect on the Relationship: Take time to reflect on the dynamics of the relationship and identify any patterns or red flags that contributed to its emotional disconnect. Reflective journaling may be helpful as a way for you to see what signs were there from the beginning of your time together. Use this insight to learn and grow for future relationships. Journaling can also help you get clear on what you want in the current relationship.
· Let Go of Blame: Release any resentment or blame toward yourself or your (ex-)partner. This may be a tall order, especially if you are deep in grief but remember that emotional unavailability often stems from past experiences or trauma. Try to cultivate empathy toward yourself and your partner. It’s likely you were/are attracted to emotionally unavailable people because you also had negative experiences in your past. Working with a therapist such as myself can facilitate healing this.
· Focus on Personal Growth: Use this experience as an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. Invest time and energy into activities that help you develop a deeper understanding of yourself and what you need in a healthy relationship. Also, be sure to schedule self-care activities such as walking in nature, seeing friends, or taking a dance class, and set aside time for resting.
Moving Forward with Confidence
Healing from an emotionally disconnected relationship takes time, but I’ve seen as a Marin County sex therapist that with self-awareness and self-love, it's possible to emerge stronger and more resilient than before. By recognizing the signs of emotional unavailability and taking proactive steps toward healing, you can move forward with confidence, knowing that you deserve a relationship built on trust, mutual respect, and emotional intimacy. You may find that with your current relationship if the person is willing to change and grow, or it may be with a new partner. Regardless, healing is possible.
If you’d like to work together for sex therapy, depth psychotherapy, or holistic coaching, click here. Otherwise, I have some journal prompts to help your healing.
Journal Prompts
· Reflect on a past relationship where you felt emotionally disconnected. What were some of the signs of emotional unavailability that you observed in yourself or your partner? How did these signs manifest, and how did they impact the dynamics of the relationship?
· Explore your emotional needs and boundaries in relationships. What are some non-negotiables for you when it comes to emotional availability? How do you communicate these needs to your partner, and how do you respond when they're not being met?
· Consider your journey toward healing from past emotional wounds. What steps have you taken to prioritize your emotional well-being and cultivate self-compassion? How have these efforts contributed to your growth and resilience in navigating future relationships?