Recognizing Emotional Availability: Expert Insights from a Bay Area Sex Therapist

By: Dr. Denise Renye

Humans have an in-born negativity bias so it’s easy for us to focus on the negative. In the realm of dating and relationships, that means fixating on red flags such as emotional unavailability, defensiveness, narcissism, and more. In my work as a Bay Area sex therapist, I want to support my clients in having healthy, fulfilling relationships so that means noticing not only red flags but also green flags. We’ve already covered signs of emotional unavailability but what about its reverse? How do you know if someone is emotionally available?

Consistent Communication

Someone emotionally available wants to know how you’re doing. They care about your thoughts and feelings. If you’re sad, they want to hear about your sadness and inner world. If you’re happy, they want to celebrate your happiness. They care about you as a person and engage in meaningful conversations not only once in a while but regularly. They want to connect with you and they actively listen to what you’re saying and respond appropriately with curiosity and encouragement of depth.

I also want to point out that communication is a skill. As a Bay Area sex therapist, I frequently support my clients in improving how they communicate with their partners because not everyone knows how. Our society is getting better at teaching this but people often have to seek it out to learn. Most communication models are about “winning” an argument or speaking more than listening. It’s very patriarchal in nature. It can take some practice to unlearn poor communication skills. What that means is a person may fumble with communication but still be emotionally available. What matters is their interest and their effort to improve. It’s ok to fumble! We are all works in progress.

Emotional Responsiveness

A big sign of emotional availability is emotional responsiveness, which means your partner expresses empathy and understanding of your emotions. Empathy is a frequently used word but not everyone knows what it is. (And because not everyone knows what it is, that also likely contributes to its lack.) Empathy is understanding what other people feel and seeing things from their perspective. It’s recognizing a person may feel angry if they’re cut off in traffic or sad if they’re laid off from a job.

Empathy is NOT codependency, which involves losing yourself in favor of placating someone else. Nor does empathy require feeling what someone else is feeling, although it can be conceptualized as vicariously feeling someone else’s feelings. It’s best and simply understood as deeply recognizing someone else’s emotional reaction. An emotionally available person practices empathy and shares how they’re feeling too. There’s a give-and-take with an emotionally available person. They share how they’re feeling but they also support you and comfort you in difficult times. As a Bay Area sex therapist, I’ve seen people have a desire to do this but they don’t know how. They’ve not learned this skill. Learning how to support your partner and be supported is something that can be learned and takes practice.

Reliability and Trustworthiness

Communication and how a person responds signals emotional availability but as we all know, actions matter too. An emotionally available person follows through on promises and commitments. If they say they’ll meet you at the restaurant at 7, they’ll be there at 7 or let you know –in plenty of time –they’re running late. If they say they’ll call you on Sunday, they call you on Sunday.

Emotional availability means the person is dependable for both small and significant matters. It’s picking up milk on the way home from work but it’s also being present to hear how your day was and showing curiosity about it. The person demonstrates that the relationship is meaningful to them and they build trust through their consistent actions. You don’t have to guess or wonder how they feel or if you matter to them because it’s clear.

And again, no person is perfect – everyone makes mistakes, forgets things, or drops the ball. Perfection isn’t what this is about. What’s important is not only whether the person reliable and trustworthy but also what happens when they’re not. Do they apologize? Do they try to make it right? Or do they get defensive and shut down? Those actions will also clue you in as to whether a person is emotionally available. That leads me to my next point: conflict.

Willingness to Resolve Conflicts

As I mentioned earlier, everyone makes mistakes and screws up. Conflict is a normal part of every relationship so the question is not if there’s conflict but rather what happens when there’s conflict. In fact, if there is no conflict that may give  you pause. Consider  what’s not being addressed. An emotionally available person addresses conflicts directly and constructively. They are open to compromise and finding solutions together. If it upsets you when they leave their bathroom towel on the floor, they’ll talk to you about it and figure out a solution collaboratively that works for both of you.   

An emotionally available person respects you and avoids hurtful behaviors during disagreements. That’s the ideal, of course, but sometimes even emotionally available people get triggered and don’t handle things well. It’s part of the reason one of my offerings is couples’ therapy because sometimes couples need extra support and tools to manage their conflicts.  

There are four more signs to watch for when identifying signs of emotional availability. Check back to read about them. And in the meantime, if you want support with increasing your emotional availability, I am a Bay Area sex therapist, Bay Area psychologist, and offer holistic coaching globally. Contact me about working together.