Deeper Connections: Further Insights on Emotional Availability from a Bay Area Sex Therapist

By: Dr. Denise Renye

In a previous post, I listed four signs of emotional availability. I see a wide range of possibilities and blockages in relationships as a Bay Area sex therapist. To quickly recap, an emotionally available person will communicate consistently, display emotional responsiveness, be reliable, and want to resolve conflicts. They will do a few more things as well such as the following:

Provide Mutual Support and Encouragement

Healthy relationships require give-and-take. That means at times you may need emotional support but other times you’re the one providing it. That’s why it’s mutual. An emotionally available person understands that mutuality and when you need it, they stand by you during challenges and setbacks. They don’t flee at the first sign of trouble and say they need a break from the “drama,” or indicate you are “too much.”

Emotional support applies to not only when things are hard but also when things are great – an emotionally available person celebrates your successes. They applaud your victories at work, celebrate when you achieve personal goals, and encourage your personal growth.

Respect for Boundaries    

As you’re likely already aware, boundaries are important in healthy relationships. A boundary is an imaginary line that separates you from another person, place, thing, activity, or process. Think of it not only in terms of separating you physically from another person, but also delineating your feelings, needs, and responsibilities from others. Boundaries also communicate how you do and don’t want others to treat you as well as what type of situation you desire to be in.

An emotionally available person will respect your boundaries. If you say, “I don’t like it when you make that joke,” they’ll stop cracking that joke. In a perfect world, you’d only have to communicate a boundary once, but that’s not how things usually go. Boundary setting is a skill and a practice, one that I work with clients regularly as a Bay Area sex therapist. This goes for in individual depth psychotherapy, coaching and couples’ therapy. Sometimes people need coaching on communicating boundaries as well as what it means to respect one. That doesn’t immediately indicate a person is emotionally unavailable though because everyone slips up sometimes and needs a little help. However, if it becomes a pattern, there is a time in a relationship when the question could be posed, “Am I doing too much emotional labor?”

Respect for boundaries isn’t only treating you the way you want to be treated, it’s also not putting pressure on you or manipulating you into uncomfortable situations. If you don’t like a certain friend group, an emotionally available person won’t force you to hang out with them.

Related to boundaries, in my work as a Bay Area sex therapist, I advocate the importance of individuality within relationships. Space is sexy in relationships and wanting space from your partner doesn’t mean the relationship is on the rocks or that your love is dwindling. On the contrary, as I wrote for Good Therapy, taking space simply means each of you has your own interests to pursue. An emotionally available person understands you are each separate people and that you can value one another as individuals as well as part of a couple, simultaneously.     

For some people, this may be harder than for others. Someone who has a history of codependence may struggle with this. So, too, may someone who has an anxious attachment style. That’s because for some folx, they view space as a threat. Their nervous systems interpret individuality as dangerous. This is something that can be worked on in therapy and if you’d like, I’d be happy to support you.

Emotional Stability

Another sign of emotional availability is someone who manages their own emotions in a healthy manner. That means to process their feelings they cry, journal, talk to a friend, take a bath, draw a picture, dance, work with a therapist. . .There are many ways to process emotions healthily and an emotionally available person seeks to do just that. Again, no one is perfect. Even an emotionally available person will struggle at times and lose their cool in stressful situations. However, the key difference between an emotionally available person and an emotionally unavailable person is they are trying, and for the most part, succeeding in fostering emotional stability.

Emotional availability also looks like not exhibiting extreme emotional volatility or unpredictability regularly. Emotionally available people are not folx you feel like could blow up at you at any minute. They don’t punch walls or throw their cell phones when they’re angry. If they do, that could be a sign of emotional abuse. Also, sometimes what happens is an emotionally available person will link up with someone who is not. The available partner tends to hold all of the “extreme” feelings/emotions because they are expressing the emotionality of the relationship. But then they might blow up as a way to balance out the relationship because there are many needs going unmet.

Show Mutual Trust and Vulnerability

Lastly, as I mentioned in the previous blog, an emotionally available person wants to connect with you. They want you to see, know, and understand their interior landscape. You don’t have to guess what’s going on for them. They don’t forget to call or show up for plans. They feel comfortable being vulnerable with you and encourage you to do the same. They share their personal experiences, fears, and insecurities. They tell you about worrying they’ll be laid off, or how they don’t get along with their brother. They let you into their inner world and want to know about yours. What’s happening is they are creating a safe environment for open emotional expression.          

Identifying the traits of an emotionally available person can help you assess a potential or current partner and also demonstrate where either or both of you could use some support. Emotional availability is a spectrum whereby some people are more available than others. In other words, every person can become more emotionally available, if they choose. And if they do, I bet they’ll find deeper and more meaningful connections.

If you want support with increasing your emotional availability, contact me about working together.